Her Story!

Pain?

The morning after a night full of crying

It hurt. When she felt like she would be better off dead than having to go through the pain. The wish of just running away from life, from people, from problems, from everything. She just want
peace, happiness and respect, was it too much to ask for?????????When everything in the world seems wrong. When there is no hope left in life. When it feels like it is the end. When emotions feel like a burden. When it felt life would be better if i were dead. When it is easier to run away from the problems than to face them. When life just sucks and nothing can fix it. When tears flow and hearts ache. She wasn't used to this pain. She didn't want to learn how to live with the pain. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to run away. She wanted to jump off a building or drown while swimming. She wanted to get through the panic attack without having a mental breakdown. She wanted to wake up and look forward to the day. She wanted to smile genuinely when someone cracked a joke. She wanted to feel alive but she wanted to be dead. Confused emotions? she didn't know what to do. Well when there is no hope in life, breathing becomes a tedious tasks then what of living a whole freaking day. How was she supposed to survive. Was everything going to feel normal, no obviously it wouldn't. Suddenly life had changed. It took 15 minutes , 15 bloody minutes, that's all it took to traumatize her, to kill her but leave her living, to take away her smile, to leave her sleepless at night, to make her scream in pain, to give her anxiety, to give her panic attacks, to make her nervous around people, to make her fear everything she did, 15 minutes can change a persons life that's all she could think of while sipping her tea and having her toast. Breakfast after an eventful night of weeping sounded so horrible yet appetizing. That day at school she frantically kept checking her watch and showed everyone what time it was when they asked. Her hand, that's what the whole deal was about, not the watch. She thought maybe someone, someone who cared about her would see her hand. She thought maybe someone cared enough to look at her hand while looking at her watch. How could they not see the cuts???? Were they pretending that my watch wasn't covering all those red cuts. They didn't it. No one saw. She gave up on trying to indirectly asking for help from her friends so she laughed, talked, cracked jokes and studied her way through the day. She nearly forgot about the pain except for whenever she saw her hands, her wrist came flashing to her memory and it made her remember how it all become. How does one willingly pick up a knife and slit their wrist and watch the blood drip. What makes a person do that. Why would a person do that. These questions haunted her but moreover what haunted her the most were the cuts that didn't physically hurt but somehow hurt emotionally. She thought of all the possible reasons people committed suicide on her way back home. She reasoned her existence, She questioned her pain, she questioned her thoughts but there was no one to answer. No one was there to tell her that it would be okay. No one was there to hug her while she cried. It was just her all alone in a sea of pain. The rest of the day passed by in a blurr. She didn't remember if she ate but she was full. She didn't remember studying but her homework was done. She didn't remember anything that happened. Was it derealization? google says it is the mental state where you feel detached from your surroundings. People and objects around you may seem unreal. Alas, finally it was night. She got to be all alone with her thoughts, with her pain. She let herself cry. She let the tears flow but when the pain became unbearable she muffled her scream and just stared at the ceiling wishing it could all end. She remembered as clear as the sunlight after a sunrise. The night she had cried for the first time she had just  finally slept when she woke up screaming, not loud enough to wake everyone up but also not soft enough to be addressed as not a scream. She didn't have a nightmare then why on earth was she screaming. What was wrong. Why the hell was she scared. Why was she shaking. Why was the world rotating. Why were her eyes sore. Why was her head feeling lightheaded. What was wrong. She couldn't remember the nightmare so obviously she woke up so scared because of some other reason. Was it the pain that had resurfaced during her sleep and haunted her till she scram and woke up? is that even possible. Or was she just hallucinating well that was crossed out the next morning when she saw the cuts. She woke up and frantically opened all the curtained and switched on the lights. She was looking for something or was she looking for someone. The reason of all her pain, she wanted to yell at the world and show them that she had control of her life, that no matter what people do or say she will always be strong. What would make her vent out her anger. While she was still trying to process these thoughts, lo and behold she was holding a knife with teary eyes. She swung the knife around a few times and didn't know what to hit so she did what she thought would calm her down in the moment, she did the unthinkable. She dragged the knife deep into her wrist and drew a straight line, it was a pretty straight line, it was red, it had blood oozing out of it, it made her feel again. It took her mind away from the emotional hurt and kept her focused on the physical sting she had just caused herself. she quickly hid the knife so she would not continue cutting herself and then went back to bed like nothing had happened. This incident, this night, this changed her whole mental capacity of taking in pain. She felt in control at least of her pain. And just like that another night had come to an end with her crying and hurting.

maybe one day she will sleep peacefully!