KISSES ─ h.p. imagines.

Bacon

Note: caution for vegetarians. and vegans. and people who are scared of bacon in general.

Y/N was waddling around the common room, bored out of their mind. They had already killed Voldemort, set Umbridge on fire and taken over the government, but unfortunately it wasn't enough. Ron walked into the room and saw them waddling like a duck. Quack quack.

"What's shakin', bacon," he said, flopping on to the couch. Y/N shrugged. Then paused.

"Rooonnnnnn?"

"Yeaaaahhhhhh?"

"Is it possible to grow bacon on a tree?"

"I dunno, mate. ask Hermit."

And at that exact moment, Hermione flew in through the window. Y/N helped her up. Hermione smiled at them and sat next to Ron. Y'know it's so obvious they're in love but do they admit it? NOPE. You know it. I know it. That creepy person in your wardrobe knows it. #romione4lyf y'all.

"Hey, 'Mione," said Y/N, hopefully.

"Yes, Y/N?"

"Can bacon grow on trees?"

Hermione thought for a minute. Then another minute. And another minute. So many minutes guys. Might as well have a cuppa tea while we wait-

"In the muggle world, nah. But it might be possible here."

Ah, there we go.

Y/N let this settle into their disastrously empty head, their face falling into a rather thoughtful expression. They needed to find away to make bacon grow on trees. It was crucial to their survival. But how do they do it?

Harry suddenly appeared from under his invisibility cloak and twirled around like a ballerina. Epik. When he stopped, he looked at his friends' faces and frowned a very frowny frown. Harry, love, stop. You'll get wrinkles.

"Holy guacamole, why do you look like you're solving an extremely difficult exam paper, Y/N?" he asked, sitting on the carpet and leaning against the sofa. Y/N grumbled something under their breath. Harry looked at the other two questioningly. The grumbly mumble sounds that Y/N made sounded like this: hmemamm ... bacon shmamsfwehe grrrr.

"Y/N wants bacon to grow on trees," said Hermione. Ron hummed in agreement. Harry was deep in thought.

He glanced at Y/N, and yoinked them by the shoulder to get their attention, accidentally pulling the arm off in the process. "Oi, would bacon be good in guacamole, d'you think?"

Y/N rolled their eyes, readjusting their arm back into place. "Guacamole goes with everything, fucknut. Just last night I had guacamole ice cream. It tasted fantabulous."

Ron eagerly asked for the recipe and Y/N gladly threw the cookbook at his face. It knocked Ron out. Y/N said the were gonna go to the library to research on bacon trees. They said goodbye to Harold, Ronathan and Herman and left the common room tower.

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On the way to the library, Y/N bumped into Snapple. Snapple looked wonderful, with his neon green Versace sunglasses and rainbow JoJo Siwa hair bow. His Lelly Kelly light up shoes with the adjustable Velcro straps shone brightly, the multicolor glow illuminating the dimly lit corridor.

"Ah, L/N, I have been searching for you," Snapple remarked, tossing his shoulder length black greasy high ponytail over his shoulder. Y/N nodded violently, gesturing for him to continue. "Well, did you write a new chapter for our Klance fanfic yet?"