Life in Red... • RED DWARF • Arnold Rimmer x OC story

11. Fuck you Kotchanski

"...Holly?"

I stared up at the ceiling. My sleeping quarters were almost as filthy as Lister's. I'd made the point to avoid cleaning at all costs, just to see how bad this prison of my own design could possibly become.
...A prison of garbage. A cell of dirty laundry.

"Yes, Edith?" Holly's disembodied head appeared on the small screen across from my bed.

"Can you give me the character profiling on the Head console officer, uh Christine Kotchanski?"

"Why do you want that, then?"

I sat up and wiped my eyes, moaning softly. "Holly, c'mon man..." I grumbled. "Lister wants to resurrect Kotchanski because he's horny. I just want you to tell me what she was really like."

"Christine Kotchanski was proficient at her job. Received glowing remarks from Hollister on her quarterly performance reviews. 'Worked', quoted, 'competently' with her colleagues." Holly took a long and dramatic pause, just to make sure I was listening properly for the next bit of key information.

"...Christine Kotchanski took her tea with cream and two sugars." He concluded.

I waited. "...Is that it?"

"What more could you want?"

"How about something a little less personal?" I barked.
It was no use. I had no idea who Kotchanski was.

Holly looked blank. I figured that it didn't matter what he said to me. Even if he told me Kotchanski was a terrible person, or a really great one, it would be the wrong answer.

But, how could I possibly explain that to Lister without leading the argument back to my own resentment. I just hated the idea of being second favourite, that was it.

"Has Lister asked you about holograms yet, Holly?"

"He had. He wanted to know where the crew's personality disks were."

"What? When?!" I scoffed.

"About three hours ago. More or less, I suppose."

"That snake." I muttered. "I bet he took Kotchanski's disk too! Because he knows I'm going to say no!"

"Beg your pardon?" Holly asked me obvliously.

I ripped off my shoes and flung them across the room into the sink, where they landed with a loud clatter.

"—Isn't this just typical!" I barked, ripping off my space corps complimentary jacket. "You know what, Holly?! We're not going to let Lister get what he wants! Screw his happiness!"

"That seems completely rational, Edith." Holly replied, adding a bit of his own sarcasm. "What do you suggest be done to make Dave as miserable as you?"

"Obviously steal away the one thing he wants most!" I replied heatedly, growing lost in my own megalomania. "Can't I just order you to not make Kotchanski into a Hologram?"

"You can, Edith. Although, there's nothing to determine whether or not Dave makes a request for the opposite,"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Dave Lister is the highest ranking crew member aboard the RedDwarf. At the moment, at number 1 169 out of 1 170, Dave Lister is your superior."

"So, we're still stuck with stupid space corps regulation? That's great for Dave and all, but how am I suppose to destroy Lister's happiness if I rank below him?"

"Edith, may I suggest a psychological evaluation before you commit to any rash decisions?"

"Keep it to yourself, Holly."