Life in Red... • RED DWARF • Arnold Rimmer x OC story

12. The opposite of a Funeral.

I had to admit, I really missed Rimmer.

He was so charming.

"Of all the people on Red Dwarf, I have some trouble imagining that the two who survived are you and Lister. ...Hammond? Are you listening to me? Hammond?"

I began to chuckle, losing the last of the air in my chest before I gasped for more. What started as a small giggle turned into full-blown hysterical laughter. I clutched my stomach, leaning over as the tears welled in my eyes.

"Hammond?... Hammond, quit it! Are you quite finished being mental?" Rimmer barked.

I took a breath, catching my balance on a chair nearby.
"I missed ya, boss" I looked up at him.

A short scoff escaped Rimmer's throat and his brows furrowed. He took a second to hear my words thoroughly before responding.

"...I have trouble believing that." He said offhandedly, rolling his eyes at me.

Holly decided through his survey that Arnold Rimmer was the most compatible person for Lister and I? I don't think we even liked him. I don't think anyone liked Rimmer, to be honest.

"Are you okay with being shut off?" I asked Rimmer.

"NO!"

"Alright, alright. A 'No' is shall be. Fair warning, this is your last chance for the easy way out, pal. I'm not going to make the offer again." I taunted.

Rimmer never liked it when I got into a funny mood. He hated being spooked too, so I was doing a real good job at getting on his nerves.

"I suppose there truly is no hope to speak to someone competent on this ship?" He crossed his arms.

"There's me, Holly and Lister. Although, Listers sleeping so you shouldn't bother him—"

"—Edith, I just wanted to notify you that Dave's on his way to the drive room." Holly's voice echoed on the speakers above, marking high in the top ten list for most inconvenient intrusions.

"Why is he awake?!" I asked with contempt as I stared up at the speakers.

"Why wouldn't he be?" Rimmer said angrily.

"Because, Rimmer! He's supposed to be passed out right now!"

"Oh, Splendid!" Rimmer slapped his hands into his sides, face beaming with fake cheerfulness.

The drive room was too open, too large and too spacious. The image of Lister trotting through that door made my mouth dry and my palms sweaty.

I simply couldn't stomach any of it.

Either the wind or the cowardice picked up my feet, but I soon trotted out of the drive room in the hopes of finding somewhere small and dark to hide.

"Hammond, we're not done here! Where are you going now?!"

We both peeled out of the drive room. I covered my ears as Rimmer's serious verbiage committed some severe damage to my alcohol induced headache.

"You're not going to answer me? Just hold your horses, listen to me."

Rimmer was at my heels. He was probably the worst poltergeist one could wish for. He continued wingeing.

"—Rimmer! Shut up!"

To my surprise, he did shut up. Long enough for me to catch my breath again.
He hovered over me, staring down in animosity. His lip curled, his eyes shrank into two small slits and sadly, his mouth opened.