HEARTLESS //HS

Chapter 59

'I bet you thought you gave me real love
All you ever wanna do is lie
Baby, who you tryna run from?
Me or all your problems?
You know you will never solve 'em
You don't even know yourself'

~Selfish~ Madison Beer

Harry Styles

I'm sitting  on the couch in my dorm with my guitar in my hand I had finally finished my first song I have written , Infinity . I started writing it about a week after Thea left me .

I needed to focus my pain into something and writing seemed like a good option to me . The whole time we were apart I wished that she was okay .

I wished that she wasn't hurt or doing anything to harm herself in the time that we were apart. I tried to get myself to even hate her for a portion of the time we were apart but I couldn't do it. I tried so hard to turn my pain because of her into hate towards her.

It didn't work, obviously. I loved her too much to hate her because I knew if she hid that she was a mother from me I would react in the same way. I would leave and think things over and I wouldn't know when to come back.

It would feel like a betrayal that I wouldn't know how to cope with. The pain of loosing her though, is nothing I could have ever imagined. The fact that it's been four months, about since she walked out makes me want to crawl into a hole and ball my eyes out till they were dry.

The choice I made last week was one that I regret completely now but I can't back out of it. I need to go back to England if I want to mend things with Kara fully. It's not fair , she should know my side of the story-her story , really.

It feels like I'm being held -one arm is being held by Thea with mascara running down her face and begging me to keep trying , keep trying to love her. I do love her , more than anything I've ever loved before -a different love from Kara's of course.

But. The other arm is being calmly held by my bugs, Kara. She's standing there with a sweet smile on her face and her blonde curls framing her perfectly. She wasn't saying anything to me just wanted me to make a choice and she did want it to be her but she also wanted me to be happy, regardless if it was her or not.

Thea is trying so hard for us to work things out in this little dream scenario in my head and trying to pull me back to her because she's just in the same amount of pain. Kara laughs a little once in a while at me and just smiles.

I know that I need to go back but I also made that choice when Thea wasn't in my grasp. I hadn't spoken to her in weeks-months and I had just let the lease go on the apartment we were supposed to share.

But now as I stand here in my doorway of my bedroom , leaning against the frame. I stare at her beautiful bare body, wrapped in the white sheets with the black comforter on my side of the bed. She must have kicked it off , she always hated having too much heat surrounding her while sleeping.

A smile grew on my face just seeing her back in my bed again. I never thought I would see the day that she was lying their peacefully asleep like any other night after having sex.

When she was standing in my doorway I thought that I was seeing things. I never thought that she would come here and today of all days , the day before I left. I feels like she needed to come here though and I needed her to come back.

I heard a knock on my door making me get out from the comfort of my bed and pad over to door. I yawned while running my fingers in my hair and wrapped my hand around the doorknob and creaked it open.