Camp Camps Demons

David Gets Hard

EDITED

Y/n's Clothes:

David: "T-G-I-F, kiddos! Boy. Has it been a week! Monday we went base jumping for Ered's Extreme Sports Camp. Tuesday we froze Harrison alive for Magic Camp." Nerris: "I can fix that..." Tyrone: *Unfeezes Harrison.* David: "Wednesday was a double-whammy for Arts and Performance!" Dolph: *sinister tone* "Do not move a muscle." David: "And all of these hilarious props and gags are courtesy of Thursday's Visual Comedy Camp!" *toy horn honk* Max: "Thursday's over, Scotty. Go back to your tent." *sad toy horn honk* David: "So, Gwen, which camper are we focusing on to wrap up the week?" Gwen: "Uh..." David: "Come on, co-counselor. Who's it gonna be?" Gwen: "It's... Nurf." *Dramatic sting* Space Kid: "Breach!" David: "Oh dear. Nurf's... camp?" Neil: "What camp did Nurf sign up for?" Gwen: "Nurf... didn't sign up for a camp. His parents signed him up... for behavioral correction camp." David: *quivering* "Boot Camp." Nurf: "FUCK YEAH! Scare me straight! In all seriousness though, if I don't see definitive results, I'm contacting my parents." David: "I don't—" Nurf: "AND DON'T BE A FUCKING FA—" *bleep* Nurf: "—or I'll tell them you touched me!" *toy horn honk*

~Opening – "Camp Camp Song Song" ~

Gwen: "Right. We knew this day would come." David: "I don't know if I can do this, Gwen! Camp is supposed to be about learning... and having fun!" Gwen: "Well we're gonna learn that little shit some MANNERS, David! Because we are contractually obligated to! I am NOT... moving back in with my parents." David: *whining* "But I'm not tough enough to run a boot camp!" Y/n: "Allow Tyrone." Tyrone: "Yep." *screeching* Max: "Thank you." Quartermaster: "Mhmm." Max: "YOU may not be tough enough to run a boot camp, David, but I can teach you." David: "Teach me?" Max: "Oh yeah. Teach you how to be mean — how to be HARD! How to keep kids like Nurf out there from walking all over you! After all, there's only one camper at Camp Campbell worse than him, and it's me." Y/n: *Snorts* Gwen: "What do you want?" Max: "Double dessert, no activities for a week, and David's social security number." Y/n: "Huh?" Gwen: "Done." David: "Gwen!" Gwen: "SHUT UP, DAVID." David: "Okay." Max: "No! You can't just back down the moment someone gets in your face, idiot!" Gwen: "Yeah! Ya gotta stand up for yourself! I can't do this alone, which means you've got to pull yourself together!" David: "Gosh darn it, you're right, Gwen. Today's the day I get hard!" Tyrone: *Chokes* Y/n: *Gasps* Gwen: "Okay maybe we don't phrase it like that." David: "Oh no! Rule 1: No backing down! Look out, world! I'm hard and I'm coming! Whether he likes it or not, Nurf is gonna let me in!" Y/n: *looks down* Tyrone: "Umm." Badass kick. David: "Owie." Max: "... So does he want to help Nurf or fuck him?" Y/n: *Covers Maxs' mouth* *military drumline* David: "Alrighty, Nurf. It's high time we whipped you into shape! Uh... sonny! Now I am confiscating that pocket knife!" David: *huge and ridiculous sobbing and wailing and whimpering* Max: "You're pathetic." Gwen: "And getting blood on my boots." David: "Guys, I just don't know if this whole "tough guy" technique is going to work. What if we just... I don't know... give him a hug? Those always make me feel better!" Max: "NO HUGS! You've just got to change your perspective on life. Tell me, how do you feel about your co-counselor Gwen?" David: *sniffles* "Well... She's smart, she helps me run activities..." Max: "No, no! You're being positive again! Gwen's the fucking worst! She slacks off, reads garbage, and has no idea what she's doing with her life!" Gwen: *seething* "What." Max: "There's no time-traveling doctor coming to save you, Gwen! Get your shit together!" Gwen: *crying* "I just want to have his British babies!" *weeping intensifies* Max: "Tyrone what do you think of Y/n?" Tyrone: "She's a daddy's girl. A little Princess. A failure in life." Max: "Y/n?" Y/n: "He is a traitor. A thief. A daddy's boy." Tyrone: "Bitch." Y/n: "Mother fucker!" Max: "Now, it's your turn." *Dramatic sting* *kitty squealing* David: "Nurf! I've got a bone to pick with you!" Max: "Let him have it." David: "Now this may sound harsh, but gosh darn it, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE VERY NICE! In fact, I'd go as far to say, YOU'RE MEAN!" Max: "...Okay let's dig a little deeper there, idiot." David: "Right! I know that's probably hard to hear!" Max: "No..." David: "And I may have even been a little too far!" Max: "Not at all..." David: "But by golly, it seems to me you've never been very polite to anyone!" Max: *muttering* "God damn it." David: "I just don't think you're aware of the impact your behavior is having on other campers! But... you know... if you ARE aware of that, then that is some good self-awareness!" Max: "Okay now you're just complimenting him." Nurf: "So, the tough love approach, huh? You know, my uncle believed in tough love. Turns out child protective services didn't, though." David: "...Excuse me?" Nurf: "Assuming I've always been bad is pretty narrow-minded of you, David. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm just a product of a judgmental, overprotective society?" David: "Uh..." Nurf: "I mean you chew ONE pop tart into the shape of a gun... and BAM! In-school suspension! Suddenly you're labeled a problem child. "You're not like the other kids. You're bad." So then you get sent to a place where other kids perpetuate the same negative mentality, making you worse so that by the time you return to normal school life, you actually are bad. Thus continuing the endless cycle of crime and punishment. Until all that's left is a little boy. A little boy who only believes he can be what the world tells him he is. A loser. A lost cause. A bully." Y/n: "That's oddly specific." David: "Nurf... I am so sorry." Nurf: "Whatever, dick-turd!" David: *squealing and sobbing* Max: "Man he is... way more fucked up than I thought." Gwen: "You two are idiots. Being tough isn't the same as being an asshole. You guys gotta take this from a more psychological approach." Max: "How would you know?" Gwen: "As a matter of fact, I dual-majored in psychology." Y/n: "Wow." Max: "So you have TWO useless degrees?" Gwen: "... Yeah." David: *sobbing* "What are you suggesting?" Gwen: "Well..." Neil: "You sure you don't want to get in on this whole Nurf-centric adventure today?" Nikki: "Yeah, I'm good. We'll probably do something crazy next week." Nurf: *sarcastic* "Oops! Didn't see ya there! Just kidding, I was fully aware of the situation. I'm just acting out for attention. That being said, I do think I need corrective lenses. My mom just won't take me." David: "Nurf! I think it's time we all had a little talk." Nurf: "Oh so we're doing the whole Freudian thing now? Everyone wants to fuck their own mom. Get over it." Y/n and Tyrone: "We have no mom. Just two dads." David: *whimpering* Gwen: *whisper* "Be strong." David: "Nurf, we feel as though you have a relatively strong grasp on the events that have led to your negative behavior, and we wanted to walk through them with you together, in the hopes of finding a solution. This isn't going to be easy, but we think— PUT THE KNIFE DOWN. But we think that this is the only way we're going to get to the root of your issues. So, Nurf, what do ya say?" Nurf: "Well... I think it all started when I joined the ballet..." *orchestra playing warm, ambling melody* Nurf: "So really all these behavioral problems seem to be stemming from a vast variety of issues, but what's truly important is that I don't allow society's labels to define who I am. That choice belongs to me and me alone, and I think I finally understand that." David: *crying* "I think so too, Nurf. So, what are you gonna do now?" *heartwarming, swelling music, which suddenly stops* Nurf: "STAB MY DAD!" David: "NO! What?! Why!?" Nurf: "I don't know, to break the cycle! What do you expect, I'm just a kid! Eat my farts, butt-nut! Hyah!" *kids screaming* Gwen: "Jesus! What do we do!" Max: "And where does he keep getting knives!" David: "Gosh darn it! We are going to do things MY way! With aggressive pacifism!" Y/n: "What the hell is that? Gwen: "I'll get the bandages." Nerris: "Y-y-you shall not pass!" Nurf: "Heh-heh. Heh. Heh!" *snort* David: "Wait, Nurf! Stop!" Nurf: "No! I'm done talking! My emotions can only be expressed through sadistic tendencies!" David: "I don't want to talk! Or shout, or any of that! I just want to give you a hug! Come here, little guy!" *simultaneous gasps* David: "Oh my gosh! Nurf! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" Nurf: "Woah... That... really hurt... Jeez, I can't believe I've been subjecting people to physical violence like this. I feel kind of bad about my behavior." David: "... What?" Nurf: "Yeah, I think I'm gonna go sit down in my tent and... think about what I did today. Sorry, everybody." Gwen: "Huh. I guess you... did it, David. Good job." David: "But I didn't —" Nurf: "Hey, David. Thanks for everything." David: "No... WAIT! We need to talk about this! This is not okay!" Nurf: "Nah, man, I'm good. I'm gonna tell everyone about how you helped me today. Goodbye, friends!" Max: "Well. I guess it turns out at the end of the day... sometimes you just gotta hit kids!" Y/n: "Hey... Papa!" Tyrone: "Dad!" Bill: "Hey kids, how's the job?" Y/n: *Hugs him* Bill: "Remember..." Y/n: "Pain is hilarious." Dipper: "and..." Tyrone: "There is always a place to explore." Max: "Who are those people?" Y/n: "Those are our dads Dipper and Bill." Bill: "Haha!" Dipper: "Bill!" Bill: "Anyway! We're moving into a smaller house. Sooo..." Dipper: "Y/n's getting the mansion. Tyrone is getting a house." Bill: "Yeah." Y/n: "Cool!" Tyrone: "Awesome." Y/n: "Thanks, Papa! Thanks, dad!" Tyrone: "Thanks, dads!"