This Liminal Life

Patterns of Discomfort

I'm drawn to patterns, particular in nature. The patterns in the clouds, the leaves, the trees, the ants and the flowers. I also notice patterns in people, in behaviours and emotions and the language we use. I notice themes that I feel internally and I see reflected in the collective. And I wonder at their origins, at whom is shaping whom as the micro and the macro dance their forever intertwined dance. Just how does the feedback loop operate? Questions and feelings emanate from my being. Soundtracks on repeat, round and round they go, demanding time and attention until I meander through the all of the thoughts and feelings that arise. Sometimes finding connections, at others simply meeting with confusion. And now, I am becoming increasingly aware of our collective, and my own, ever present theme of avoiding discomfort. Discreetly tucked away under distraction after distraction. Our rising inability to sit with discontent (pain? confusion? uncertainty?) of any kind seems to be linked. We are increasingly unable to be present and sit with discomfort, or for reality to be anything but exactly what, and how we want it to be. 

One could argue that of course we feel this way, 6-9 months into a global pandemic, depending on where you are situated in the world. I'll admit, I was lulled into a false sense of security here at the end of the world (Puerto Natales, Chile), watching from the safety of the bubble that our remote and isolated town is, it felt the pandemic was ravaging everywhere but our town. Of course, the pandemic inevitably came, crushing my illusions of safety with it. Even before the pandemic, our ability to create space for, and process discomfort and discontent appeared to be declining. Our resilience disappearing right along with it. I cannot help but wonder at why this may be, what is it that's most powerfully influencing our interconnected and multidimensional world? And in turn, how are our own experiences interacting in this dynamic exchange? Although really, in the complex and multifaceted globalised world we live within how do you pinpoint a cause? A multitude of ideas, concepts, thoughts, feelings, beliefs and world views all intersecting, at times evolving and interacting independently. At other times, they are inextricably intertwined, impossible to tease apart and analyse. Is looking for a cause or a reason that may end up being used as a tool of blame helpful in any way? I'm not so sure, of course it's comforting but it doesn't inspire change or growth, it is simply enabling the status quo. And I am sure most of us agree that the status quo needs to change. What I do know, is that I love following the threads of thought and ideas as they simmer under the surface. Connecting the dots as I go, and pondering the connections as they appear.

On a recent phone call with my baby brother, the youngest of my 4 brothers, one of these connections became abundantly clear. Our increasing use of and reliance on technology has contributed to us being unable to sit with discomfort, and discontent. No doubt capitalism has also played its part, however I'm captivated by technology's influence on us and the many ways it conditions us. We are in relationships with everything, and in this relational exchange, we both shape, and are shaped by that which we interact with. In our relationship with technology we are conditioned to receive and expect instant answers and gratification, and to reduce, remove or leave situations that cause us discomfort. There is nothing stopping us from moving away from what we do not like or agree with, and social media is tailored to not only serve, but foster this way of thinking. Algorithms designed to reinforce our existing ideals, beliefs and values while they simultaneously measure the content we engage with and works to perceive what we want more of. We continually have our thoughts, feelings and desires influenced and reinforced through our use of social media and the internet. Even google tailors our search results. After I spent a year using google scholar for research as I completed my honours in anthropology, all of my search results now focus on academic articles. My partner however, gets lots of random search results, very little of which are academic in nature. Previously, if we had questions we had to find someone with that knowledge base to ask, or, we spent hours pouring over books in a library seeking the information we needed. And now, now, we have questions to which we can receive immediate answers (rightly or wrongly), within seconds from a google search. Technology and social media have been a blessing in many ways, yet while they give they also take. And they are taking away our patience, our ability to recognise and engage with nuances, and the ability to sit in discomfort, and to sit within the unknown. One of the "gifts" they have given us, is the illusion of control, and the illusion that all questions may be answered. And here at the end of the world amidst a pandemic, separated from friends and family, I am confronting this illusion of certainty and control, as I practice leaning into the discomfort and the unknown. And through leaning in, I'm learning.