Garden of Wounds (Panacea Series #1)

Chapter 17

Trigger Warning: Suicidal. Read at your own risk.

Seventeen.

We're taught to be ashamed of fear and sadness, that's why whenever we feel those emotions, we often hide it to everyone because we are afraid of the judgements or we don't want to bother them or we want to protect our relationship with them. They are conditions of the human mind, that's why it's normal to feel those emotions.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit tinatawag ka nilang mahina kapag nakakaramdam ka ng gano'ng pakiramdam. Ang mahina ay 'yong mga taong 'di tanggap na may mga bagay silang kinatatakutan. Ang mahina ay 'yong mga taong nag-iisip na baliw ang mga taong may pakiramdam sa kanilang kalusugang pangkaisipan.

Each of us has our secret sorrows which others know nothing. Kahit na maliit na bagay pa 'yon sa iba, kung nagawa ka nitong saktan, valid pa rin 'yon. Iba-iba tayo ng buhay kaya iba-iba rin ang pananaw natin sa mga bagay-bagay.

"Uninom ka na muna," marahang saad ni Zavion na nasa aking harap, inaabot ang bottled water na kan'yang hawak.

"Ano'ng sabi ng doctor?" Tanong ko nang abutin ko ang tubig sa kan'ya.

"She has hemophobia that's why she collapsed after seeing the blood on her wrist. Magigising din siya mayamaya," he answered. "At h'wag mo siya mas'yadong biglain kapag nagising siya. Act normal. H'wag mong ungkatin sa kan'ya 'yong nangyari kanina."

Tears started to form in my eyes again. I'm the best friend but I had no idea about what she was going through. I can't help but to blame myself for what happened to her. She tried to reach for me but I was not there when she asked for help. She tried to call me but I was not there at the times she needed someone to talk to.

Nakagagalit. Wala man lang akong magawa para sa kan'ya.

"Hindi mo kasalanan ang nangyari," his voice was deep. "H'wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo. Don't be too hard on yourself."

"K-kung nasagot ko lang sana ang tawag niya, I would have been able—"

"Shhh..." He wiped my tears using his thumb. "Walang kung, walang kaso, walang pero dahil wala kang kasalanan sa nangyari sa kan'ya. Kung iniisip mo na wala kang kuwentang kaibigan, isipin mo bakit umiiyak ka ngayon. You are hurting because of her, right?" He said softly. "You were hurt because you care for her."

"Do you know her problems? Do you know what she's going through?"

His eyes narrowed, and then he shook his head immediately. "Hindi nagsasabi sa akin si Margarette."

"M-mukha namang masaya si Margarette. Nitong nakaraan, broken siya pero 'di naman siya aabot sa gan'tong punto dahil doon..." Humihina ang aking boses dahil sa panghihina.

Kung ako ang tatanungin, kahit kaunting bahid ng lungkot sa kan'yang mga mata ay 'di mo makikita. You can't tell that she's going through something. She was always smiling. She always teased me. Sa pagitan naming dalawa, siya itong masasabi kong masaya dahil lagi siyang tumatawa.

Pero hindi pala talaga dapat natin doon binabatay kung ano ang totoong nararamdaman ng isang tao. So what if she's always laughing? Maybe that was her way of coping with depression. I was wrong with my conclusions, so I deeply regret that I didn't even ask her how she was. Is she happy? Is she at peace?

"Take a look at everyone," he said. "Each of us walks around with sadness inside our chest. They may not wear it on their sleeves, but it's there if you look deep in their eyes."

I failed to look deep into her eyes. I failed to understand her. I failed to ask what she was going through. I failed to check her. I failed at everything. I became too self-centered.  I didn't think that maybe she, as well, was going through something.