Garden of Wounds (Panacea Series #1)

Chapter 40

Forty.

Perhaps the biggest mistake I made in the past was I believed that I was the only one who's hurting, that others don't even care about me. Datapwat habang nakatingin ako sa hinang-hinang katawan ni Zavion, punong-puno ng hinagpis at sakit ang kan'yang mga mata, doon ko lamang napagtanto... na tama nga sila— minahal nga ako nang sobra ng lalaking 'to.

I'm full of doubts. I always think that I don't deserve those every best thing in the world, and Zavion is a part of best thing that I've had.

Kaya nang makita ko ang pagmamahal sa mga mata ni Zavion noon, natakot ako para sa aking sarili. Natakot ako... dahil hindi ko alam kung totoo ba 'to o isa na namang pagsubok sa akin, tinitingnan kung kaya ko bang yakapin ito o mauubos ko na naman ang aking sarili dahil dito.

"Why didn't you tell me that y-you were r-raped—" He sobbed.

This is the first time I saw him breaking down in front of me. Maaaring noon ay nakita ko na ang kan'yang iba't-ibang kaanyuan ngunit ibang-iba ang ngayon. Mixed emotions filled his amber eyes. The prominent, though, is regret.

"I was afraid," my voice trembled in fear. "I don't know how to tell you."

"A-akala ko 'yong naramdaman ko noong iniwan mo ako ang pinakamasakit sa lahat. H-hindi pala... ito pala 'yon," nangatal ang kan'yang boses. "Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin noon? How did you manage to kiss me, made me feel that you're the happiest, when in fact you're hurting inside that time? Hindi ba't sinabi ko sa 'yong nandito ako palagi, Elvira? You don't have to fight it all alone! You are with me! I'm willing to embrace you!"

"You don't understand. I felt like everyone would judge me because of my situation! Do you even know how hard it is? To voice out your pain? I don't have the courage to tell others what I've been through dahil hinding-hindi 'yon maiintindihan ng kahit sino! Sobrang pandidiri at pagkamuhi ang aking naramdaman sa sarili ko noon..." Nabasag ang aking boses. "I want to push everyone away from me! Because I'm disgusting!"

"Ako, Elvi, ako... maiintindihan ko 'yon..." Marahan niyang sinabi. "You don't know how much I love you... and when I heard that from Atharv, that you were raped before, my heart clutched in pain. Believe me, Elvira, kaya kong pumatay para sa 'yo," his jaw clenched. "Magkamatayan na, wala akong pakialam sa lisensya ko."

"No..." I shake my head repeatedly. "No one will understand how hard my life is. Yes, it was my fault that I was all alone that time! That I have to cry every goddamn night! I almost lose my sanity because of that! Walang-wala ako noong oras na 'yon. Hindi ko na alam kung saan pa ako tutungo... ang tanging kagustuhan ko lamang noong mga araw na 'yon ay mamatay na lang..."

"Y-you have me, Elvira. You always have me. Kailanman ay hindi ako umalis. We were apart but I'm always with you! Through my prayers, I'm always with you..."

"And you're asking me why I pushed you away, right? Dahil kung noon mo nalaman ang nangyari sa akin, ganito ba ang magiging reaksyon mo? Hindi! Dahil mabibigla ka at ipaparamdam mo sa akin 'yong mga pakiramdam na ayaw kong maramdaman!"

Mapait siyang napangiti sa aking tinuran. "Do not underestimate what I can do for you, Elvira."

"And I pushed you away because that was the only choice that I had that time! Sa tingin mo ba kaya ko pang mag-isip nang maayos matapos mangyari sa akin 'yon? I pushed you away because I found out that I have a child with someone who raped me! I pushed you away because you deserve better and I can't be better! Mas gusto ko na lamang na isipin mong niloko kita upang magalit ka sa akin at makalimutan ako nang gano'n kadali!" I shouted in pain.

He shakes his head. "That will never happen..." Napapaos ang kan'yang boses. "Me? I don't even know how to unlove you. You know how to make me crazy over you. Markadong-markado mo ang aking buong kaluluwa, and my heart knows who's the real owner of it..." A tear dripped down on his face. "At alam mo ba kung gaano 'to kasakit? Na noong tinulak mo ako palayo, na noong mawala ka sa akin... mag-isa ka pa lang nagdurusa. Na wala ako noong kailangan na kailangan mo ako!"