Trace of Innocence

Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

VIVID memories came rushing in my mind as I sketch her face on a blank paper. My gaze turned to the window in front of me. Wind struck me and I close my eyes when I smelled the air that was filled with the dewy petrichor of the post-afternoon rain. When I opened my eyes, the bucolic setting added something inside of me. A sense of hiraeth overwhelmed me. I felt the urged to go home, but it was a home I couldn't return to.

For the nth time, I allowed myself to travel to ethereal…

“So ano, kasing ganda ko na ba si Liza Soberano?” she asked as she twirled around showing off her peach dress. Her soft and silky hair followed her every move.

I rolled my eyes, of course, Liza was still prettier than Selyn, but I wouldn't say that to her since today was her birthday. Sabi nga ng iba, pagbigyan na natin.

“You look wonderful,” I replied.

"Yay! Sabi ko na nga ba honest ka eh," she slowly made her way towards me. Her scent instantly filled my nostrils as she clung onto my arms. Yikes! What a clingy friend.

"What do we have here, huh?"

Our heads turned to the direction of the man who just entered the room. He was also wearing formal attire like us. He puts his hands inside the pocket of his black pants. I also noticed that he puts some gel on his jet-black hair, which he didn't usually do that's why he looked different tonight.

"Wow Selyn, nagmukha kang tao," puna niya sa kapatid niya and Selyn just made faces kaya natawa na ako nang tuluyan.

And then his full attention was directed towards me. His sharp eyes watched me as I fidget beside Selyn. When I glanced at him, our eyes met and I couldn't seem to turn my gaze away from those black orbs.

I knew I was lucky. When he’s around, my worries seemed to fritter away. I didn't know how, but maybe it was because we have spent time naming skyscrapers and dying lights— calling them magic, calling them our own. Or maybe it was because of his promise that he’s going to hold me the way December holds onto her nights made of hours slipping too slowly.

"Clarissa..."

My name rolled off his tongue like melodies in the morning air. I couldn't even prevent the muscles in my cheeks as they stretched out into a full-blown smile.

But of course, his sister had to end the almost romantic scene we have there.          

"Ehem, mamaya na kayo magtitigan ha. Male-late na tayo sa party ko."

THAT'S how my day goes when I am with them. However, fate was cruel to me as I always have a bad day.

Now, Caleb was gone too. Nandoon na ako sa moving on process eh, ngunit hindi ko akalaing mas lalong bibigat pa ang mararamdaman ko nang malamang pati si Caleb ay iniwan na ako ng tuluyan. Literally.

It's been two days when tita Cecille broke the news to me and until now, I am still here, sulking on one corner inside my room, mourning every good memories I had with the two most important persons in my life next to my parents.

Two days ago, iniisip ko pa lang kung paano namatay si Selyn, tapos bigla ko na lang malalaman na sumunod na pala ang kuya niya. Bakit kailangang magkasunod pa sila? How would I ever deal with this double pain?

We already broke up, hindi pa ba sapat iyon? Hindi pa ba sapat ang sakit na naranasan ko nang gabing iyon?

For the past two days, I've been questioning myself if I ever did something drastic in my past life for me to suffer like this. Maybe I was a bitch in my past life or maybe I committed a crime. Perhaps I was a murderer before.

Whatever it was, all I could say was that I didn't deserve this pain. No one else deserved this.

I was brought out of my reverie when my phone started ringing again.

Tita Cecille calling...

She's been calling me nonstop since yesterday but I couldn't find the courage to answer it. Pakiramdam ko kasi mas lalo lang akong malulungkot. She's the mother. Alam kong triple pa ang sakit na nararamdaman niya ngayon kaysa sa akin. She already losed two children. I don't know how she's coping with this.
 
"Tita, I'm sorry for not answering your calls yesterday," I said the moment I picked up the call.
 
"It's okay, dear, but can you drop by here?" she asked. Her voice was a bit shaky.
I was not yet ready to see Caleb's body inside a coffin and I think I will never be, but hearing his mom pleading for my presence, I couldn't say no.

"Okay, tita, I'll be there."

I hung up after hearing her thanking me. I went to my dresser and randomly picked out clothes. Bakit bigla akong nakaramdam ng kaba pagkatapos ng tawag ni tita? Bakit pakiramdam ko hindi ko magugustuhan ang mangyayari?

PILIT kong iwinaksi ang nga negatibong bagay sa aking isip at nagmadaling magbihis. Dumiretso ako sa aking kotse at pinaharurot ito patungo sa bahay nina Caleb.

Now it feels foreign thinking about it that way. Their house used to be our holy ground. It was a witness on our bond as friends.

I tried to ignore what my gut feeling was saying as I carefully parked my car in front of their house. It still looked exactly six months ago during my last visit. It was during Selyn's wake and I couldn't believe that I was here again. This time, I am visiting the house for the wake of my ex-boyfriend.

Tita Cecille immediately went to my side the moment she saw me enter their house. Mrs. Tavera was a lady of—her age does not matter. She was tall, probably two inches taller than I. Her hair was gray, and her eyes were the bulging, staring kind that always seemed about to jump from their sockets, perhaps because of the black-rimmed glasses she constantly wore.

She gave me a hug and I couldn't stop my tears from falling. When she broke the hug, my eyes wandered around inside the mansion.       

There were people, most of them wearing black, who were seated on the chairs in front of a white coffin. Slowly, I found myself walking in the aisle towards it with tita Cecille following behind me.

I looked at his face. It's as if he was just sleeping. How I wish he were...

"Will I ever forget you even in another life? The pain you inflicted to me was unforgettably a hurtful experience, Caleb. How dare you?" I whispered.

Nang hindi ko na makayanan na makita pa siya doon habang pikit ang kanyang mga mata at  hindi na humihinga, lumayo na ako at naupo na lang sa tabi ng kanyang ina.

"I'm so sorry, tita."
 
"It's okay, my dear. It's no one's fault."

I looked at her. Hindi ko pa pala alam kung ano ang cause of death ni Caleb.

"What happened to Caleb, tita?"

Mrs. Tavera averted her gaze elsewhere. "Actually, that was the reason why I called you."

Her eyes got fixated on the white coffin in front of us and then I felt her cold fingers on mine. I squeezed it to let her know I am here for her.
 
"There's something you need to know."

The familiar nervousness came back. Is this what my gut feeling was trying to say?
 
"Nagpakamatay si Caleb."
    
What?

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