Missing You | Kyle x Cartman

Chapter 2

Unclothed, unashamed, and unimpressed, Eric Cartman floated around the great expanse of white. A large figure materialised in front of him. "Hi, Santa."

His brow quirked. "My name is Satan, actually."

"You're big and red and adults use you to scare kids into behaving, what's the difference?"

Satan's brow furrowed further but he didn't answer.

"So, is it pitch-fork time? Any chance of some threads first – I'm not into the whole naturism thing."

"I am afraid that your ticket to the afterlife has been... well, misplaced. You cannot enter the underworld just yet."

Cartman twisted his neck. Trying to float in one place was difficult when you had no points of reference. He swam impotently towards Satan. "The fuck are you talking about? How can you misplace me?"

"You, of course, cannot enter Heaven, but we have decided that you and your actions are too corruptive for placement amongst my minions."

By this time Cartman was floating upside down, or at least relative to Satan he was. He cocked his head curiously. "Are you seriously telling me I'm too evil for Hell?"

"That is about the gist of it, young man."

"Sweeet."

Satan smiled with vague amusement. "You do have some options available to you."

"Sock it to me."

"First option, stay here."

Cartman folded his arms behind his head, already bored, and yawned melodramatically, "I love what you've done with the place, but pass."

"Second, exist as a ghost."

That sounded more like it. "Like a decent ghost that can actually do shit? Because I'm not doing that roaming Scottish castles and wailing shit."

"The energy required would eventually be accessible to you but not for a long while."

"Meh. What else?"

"Return to Earth as an angel to perform good deeds until you earn your place."

He rolled over. "Gross."

"You could of course be destroyed entirely."

"Soul and all?"

"Precisely."

"Maybe, maybe. I mean, I wouldn't care would I? Once it was done. I wouldn't exist anymore." He groaned at Satan's alarmed expression. "Ugh, fine. I suppose I'll try to do some shitty good deeds. Do I have to enjoy it?"

"Not at all."

He sat up and clapped his hands together, "How we doing this then?"

"You shall be sent back to the living plane and only return when you have created enough positive Karma to balance out the bad you have done."

"Fuck, imma be there forever."

"There will be some rules to follow, that I shall explain momentarily. And you shall be assisted by a living person."

"Makes sense, I guess. Who?"

"The one closest to you during life."

Cartman thought for a moment before threading his fingers through his hair from frustration. "Aw, no way, my mom'll be fucking useless."

"It is... not your mother," Satan explained, with a slow cautiousness.

He crossed his arms in confusion. "I don't live with anyone else."