Rain to Sea

8. The breakdown

With Gun's arrival, certain things around Off indeed changed. Yet what it did more is to confuse him of his own feelings. He was in turmoil before, that was a given.  But now, nearly a month since Gun's arrival, he's already in a different kind of turmoil. 

After Rin's death, he has firmly believed that he is incapable of warmth and care for someone else the way he used to care for her. Now he finds his firm belief is crumbling. 
On the face of it even Tay and Arm might point out that Off is clearly doting on Gun quite willingly. But on the inside, he feels there's nothing he does willingly here, his heart and soul simply react on their own around Gun. 

Because why not? Who wouldn't dote on Gun? Who can even resist Gun?

Gun smiles at him, laughs with him and there's a kind of a childish mischief that shines in his eyes whenever is up for a game. He's very comfortable with Arm and Tay, the two most important people in Off's life.

But on the other hand, those two smart lads are obviously trying to lure Gun into Off's space all the time. And they can't be more obvious about it.
With the amount of time he gets to spend with Gun alone, Off suspects that this whole notion of playing games is an OffGun agenda on his friends' part. It's honestly scary at this point because Gun isn't going to stay with them forever and who is going to explain it to his besties. And tell them not to get their hopes high.

He can't ask Gun because Gun never fails to surprise him. 

Now that he witnesses a completely different side of Gun, Off finds no falsity in that notion. Gun's full of surprises. 

"I see you are having fun,Off. With your new company. You don't have any conscience at all." Dim stupidly says summoning the storm that is Gun's anger. Off belatedly realizes he should have chosen a different path for their evening walk after all. That way they could have avoided meeting Dim. 

Before he could simply dismiss Dim, Gun surges forward and grabs Dim's collar threateningly. His intention is pretty much clear by this gesture. If Off doesn't stop Gun, both will end up in bruises and hard feelings. 

"Take that back. Take back everything you said about Off.'' Gun almost yowls. 

"You don't know anything about him.'' Dim hisses still caught in Gun's bruising clutch. 

"He's a good person. I don't need to know anything else.'' The way Gun says such words startles Off. There's no hint of doubt, no hesitation. Only a firm conviction. 

"Good person? He should rot in hell for his sins.'' Dim scowls, unafraid of Gun's burning glare. 

Off's inner voice reminds him that it is the correct time to step in and drag Gun away so Dim can go wherever he wants to, after yelling his throat out at their retreating figures. But stubborn Gun isn't budging an inch. 

"Do you get any satisfaction by doing this? Do you feel happy? Can you bring her back by doing this?'' Gun's  words are more stronger than his grip on Dim's shirt collar. Off can see Dim struggling to escape Gun's words than his grip and failing at both. 

Gun, this beautiful boy is talking for him, defending him, his words transmit such a force that shocks Off like he's getting electrocuted repeatedly. 

The next moment Off freezes in his spot watching the silent conversation that is taking place between Gun and Dim. It's the first time since forever he sees Dim this vulnerable, this close to tears. 

Dim's been a very calm and reserved person but never hurtful and that's the whole reason why Dim's sudden transformation into a cold and venom spitting snake shocked Off at first. It happened over night. He was crying infront of her lifeless body and the next moment he pounced at Off, nearly succeeding at maiming him. 

Off saw rage in his eyes. It turned into hatred eventually but the blame in those eyes, that's a stab in the heart. Off read it as 'why are you still alive instead of her?'.  That hushed scary voice often haunted Off's nightmares, even now Off wishes to neglect but cannot quite do so. 
Over time rather than neglecting that  voice, he worked on convincing himself of the truth of Dim's accusations. 

That's why Off never feels any anger towards Dim. Not even when he made the townsfolk boycott Off and his coffee house.
He just feels disappointed. 

It's a small town after all. With these kinds of rumours about Off neglecting Rin's condition, no wonder their business turned to such a bad state. People believe whatever they hear,  whatever they want to believe in. Whatever that makes sense. 

"Will she ever forgive you for hurting her Off? The one she loved.'' Gun's voice trembles. Dim is shaken.

Off is shaken.

This is something else. Gun is something else. He has touched such a sore spot in Off's heart, not by poking his finger until it bleeds out profusely but so gently like a kiss. It's gentle but it's also hurting, more than the stab in his heart.  Off doesn't know how to react.  He simply cannot keep up his usual veneer of calmness. So he leaves Gun to deal with Dim. So mercilessly like a coward, he runs away. 

When he reaches their coffee house, he finds Tay cleaning the counter as if they had any customer at all to appreciate the cleanliness of the place. He doesn't remark on that futile task because Tay's so good at being an optimist and will waste no time in pointing out the merits of cleanliness. And they'll argue about it for the rest of the day. 

Tay registers Off's presence.

"Where's Gun?'' He asks casually because he can't think of a reason why Off would abandon the youngest member of their gang somewhere alone. 

Off breaks.  

"Is there something wrong Off?'' Tay scurries into Off's personal space, and rests his hand on his shaking shoulder. 

Off snaps. 

"I'm not some sort of a fragile flower, Tay. Stop treating me like this.''