Rain to Sea

9. The Confrontation

If there's one thing that annoys Gun more than Dim's baseless accusations, that is Off's inability to ask for help. No, ofcourse Gun doesn't blame Off for leaving him alone with someone he barely met, someone who spits venom on Off's account.  But he blames Off for snapping at Tay for no particular reason than that man's constantly worrying heart which bleeds when Off is in agony. 

So now Gun decides that it is not time for sweet smiles and sugary words. Rather it is time to confront Off with blunt words and dagger like glares. He finds Off in a familiar spot beside the railing in the garden, standing alone as if the world has done him nothing but wrong.  It's true, the world has done him some wrong but a wise person has taught Gun to fight against the wrongness that people like Dim promote and stand for the rightness that people like Off symbolise. 

Let me help you, Off.  Gun's heart aches.

"You aren't asking for help because you think we won't help you?'' Gun keeps his tone quite flat despite the ache in his heart.

"No. I'm not asking for help because you can't help.'' Off counters. 

Gun can see the logic in that. He can also counter Off's logic by pointing out that they are unable to help him because Off is not letting them help. But saying that now feels like walking straight into a minefield and it's extremely risky for their budding friendship or relationship, whatever Off wishes to name it. 

Gun opts for something else and says, 
"But that's not the point, is it? If you ask you'll know we are willing to help.''

"Knowing that doesn't help me in anyway.'' Off is being so petty and pathetic when he argues. Gun wants to knock some sense into Off's pathetic brain by any force if necessary. Instead he adopts silence because silence is what unnerves people at times. It gives the time which Off would need to realize the mistake he is doing by shoving away those who truly care about him. 

It takes a few seconds to get Off to abandon his stubbornness and he finally admits, 
"She said she needs me, Gun. She said she'll never leave me. I don't know what changed that.'' 

This however unnerves Gun. He never considered himself a possessive person. There's something about Off that makes Gun feel very possessive to the extent that he feels insecure of a phantom of a girl who is dead but not truly gone. She lingers there in Off's heart and soul which makes Gun fear that Off will never be his, truly and completely. That mere thought shakes his core. He's thrown into a void and he can only climb his way out by admitting the truth, 
"No she doesn't… It's me… I need you. Need you to the point that it scares me……  And and…  I don't even know if I can leave you, ever.'' 

"GUN'' 

Off gasps and his eyes widen as if Gun has burnt him with a hot iron rod. 

" I know that I'm your friend. I'm someone you think you need to take care of. But I want to be more than that for you.'' More truths come spilling out of Gun's lips. 

Off's shocked expression softens and what remains in the end is pity. Of all the things Off could have said and done, he elects to show pity. Gun never intended his expectations to get bulldozed like this. 

"Oh no! don't give me that I pity you look. Don't treat me like a kid. I'm damn serious about this. About you.'' 
Gun's eyes turn glassy, tears threatening to break free any moment. 

To salvage whatever that remains of his already wounded dignity, Gun trots away to wherever his legs might take him. 

......................................................................

The sea winds carry him towards a lone coconut tree and with a sigh he lets himself get plastered into its bark. And it's a matter of minutes before Off finds him in this shelter given the fact that Gun is new to this place and Off grew up here. Even then, Gun will be sobbing while hugging his knees to his chest. Gun hates crumbling like this in the presence of Off. He quickly dries his eyes as soon as he hears footsteps in the dark but the remnants of his pain are still clinging on to his pale cheeks without fading.

"Hey Mr.Newton, are you trying to be Nikola Tesla? You can't stay under a tree when it is lightning. Has no one taught you this?''  Off's quip fails miserably because Gun doesn't feel like giving Off any satisfaction by smiling. Because it was Off who crept into Gun's unguarded heart with such care and affection and suddenly he erects a barrier between both of them as if all that care and affection were doled out of pity than attraction. 

Attraction. That's where all the problems lay. He's convinced himself that during these past two weeks Off's eyes were harbouring on himself. From time to time, Off threw looks on his way when he was sure Gun wouldn't notice. Gun noticed,  for Off's gaze is too powerful not to notice, there's something warm, something deep there. Did he misread it? He desperately wants it to be attraction, something more than what Off can give others. 

Something more from Off is always better. Even if it's anger, Gun wants it to be his. 

"I won't move unless you carry me.'' Gun scowls just to make Off angry. 

Off has his tongue-tied for a couple of minutes as if he is assessing the merits of Gun's demand to be carried. For Off, it's a pretty easy task. Gun knows that. But what he wants to know is if Off will actually accept that demand. Whether he'll get angry. Whether he'll refuse and leave Gun all alone here because he's had enough of Gun's tantrums. 

"Ok come here.'' Off beckons. 

Gun is dumbfounded.  

He finds Off on his knees, ready to carry him on a piggyback ride. Gun reaches for Off gingerly, fearing that Off'll change his mind about this thing . He hops on eventually. If he was hesitant at first, that hesitation dissolves in a matter of seconds. His arms wrap around Off's neck guardedly, hanging loosely over Off's chest. He rests his chin just above Off's earlobe fighting the urge to bury his face in Off's aesthetically messed up hair and breath in his comforting bergamot fragrance. 

For a while Gun wants nothing else than this moment. This moment with Off. That's it. Even a moment with Off feels very satisfying, grounding. 

Perhaps he'll never understand this man, what he wants, why he cares so much, why can't he let Gun help. 

"You could have refused..'' Gun breaks the silence because that's what he does. He has to do poke Off for answers. 

"Hmm?'' Off prompts. 

"You could have easily refused to carry me. I honestly didn't think you would agree.'' 

Off keeps his gaze steadily on the path, squinting his eyes and keeping his senses alert for any incoming danger. "I didn't want to refuse.'' 

"Why?''

"Because you would be upset. You were already upset because of.. '' for the lack of a word Off adds,''earlier.'' 

"Oh you mean 'earlier' as in when I said how much I needed you and you gave me a look as if I wronged you.. '' Gun makes his reproach noticeable. 

"Gun please...''

"Then would you do anything I asked you to do? Because you don't want me to be upset…'' Gun retorts because he likes to push buttons. 

"That's not what I meant… Ok look. I don't think we can have that conversation again. I just don't want you running away crying in the dark again.''  Off stops in the path for a while, perhaps the weight of Gun's question is exhausting him. 

"I'm not the one who is trying to run away now..…'' Gun counters. 

Off falls silent. Unlike Gun, he wields silence as a weapon to maneuver through difficult situations, to conceal the truth and to convince himself that some truths can disrupt the monotony of his life.  And he hides behind silence,  until that silence is all what remains. 

Gun can not take it. He doesn't like it. They have to talk because without talking they won't get anywhere, they won't get any further than what they are now. And he has a feeling that deep down Off wants this as much as Gun wants it. 

 But he has tired himself too much this night. He decides to call it a day as he attaches his head to that of Off's and slowly closes his eyes. He dives into Off's bergamot fragrance that keeps reminding him of faintly glistening sunshine and green meadows- a dreamland where he can finally be safe.