Rain to Sea

14. The lighthouse

The evening sun has its rays scattered all over the place promising the prospect of a blissful evening walk filled with calm and contentment. The chill of the rain still remains and that makes Off tuck one hand into his pocket but the other is safely in an embrace with Gun's hand. They tread on the sandy terrain in peaceful silence; as much as he prefers Gun's incessant talking, he thinks this isn't bad after all. 

The activities of the morning still lingers like a haunting presence inside his mind, in spite of all that he puts up a calm facade that fools no one, definitely not Gun. For a dangerous few seconds, Off had given in to his desires, wanted to slide the glass door and cherish everything that Gun is capable of giving him. When that feeling passed, it was replaced by an apprehension that he is leading Gun on, into an abyss that'll inevitably end up wounding both of them. 

He's no saint and he isn't immune from desires that lurk under his skin just like any other breathing human being on earth but he believes he has no right to ruin Gun's future, to exterminate Gun's brilliance, especially to cage Gun in his own private hell. 

While keeping his eyes on the path, he works on the rejection speech that is still pending, he is mentally listing out all the cons of having stuck in relationship with a failed person like himself. He believes his persuasion can put an end to Gun's obsession. He can persuade Gun that pursuing a life with an undesirable person like himself would not do any good in the long run. Gun is a practical person and he'll understand. This, he keeps on chanting like a prayer just to convince himself. 

If there's one thing that Off learnt during the foregoing years of mourning is that grief hardly goes away. Some days there's peace and some days there's outright chaos. That's a deceptive game his mind is playing with him. Today he has reached a middle ground, neither peace nor chaos, just somewhere in the middle. So it's today, he has to push Gun away. It's cruel but it's all the more necessary because Gun is interpreting his reticence as consent and pulling him in relentlessly. 

Their current destination is what Off had promised to Gun. The abandoned lighthouse standing towards the border of the town, his own hiding spot. The cold concrete steps of the stairs try to hinder their climb, although they move on. But the chill penetrates even through the layers of their leather shoes and claws at their skin. Off feels a gentle pull at his hand and he squeezes Gun's hand reassuringly  trying to give much warmth as he can to Gun by keeping him close. 

"So this is your hiding spot? Got to say it's very conspicuous. Doesn't that defeat your purpose?'' Gun breaks the silence once they reach the top of the lighthouse. 

"Conspicuous but abandoned. It works fine for me.'' 

What Gun doesn't need to know is that this magificient lighthouse is one that is standing out of place in this curious town of proud people, one thing that is frowned upon by the townsfolk for its ugliness and dilapidation. It's tainting the beauty of the town, they all said. It's a black mark that doesn't serve any purpose, they all said. But he always has seen beauty in this place. That's always been his problem, he sees beauty in disorder, disobedience and  defiance. And this lighthouse is the personification of that beauty, a beauty standing tall and strong even against the world. Even Rin failed to understand him in this aspect. She failed to understand why he loved to go off track always defying, while others would follow one track diligently. She was scared of this place, scared of its isolation. Her heart worried that one day he'll stand isolated if he didn't abide by the norms set by others. But he didn't care about others. He cared for her. 

He hoped someday she would understand, he hoped someday somebody would understand him but it never happened. And now he is nothing but an empty shell of resignation who is desperate enough to shove away someone who is trying to give a new purpose to his life. 

The said person is standing before him and jumping in glee like a twittering little bird witnessing the world for the first time.
"It's beautiful Off. This place is beautiful.'' Gun says with his gaze oriented towards the horizon. A vibrant energy runs through his body even as he speaks. 

From where they stand, high above the ground, they can witness the sun sinking further and further away from their reach, into the ocean. The pure joy on Gun's guileless face captivates Off. Can he really do what he planned to do? It's so cruel to tear that joy from Gun's face by telling him that he doesn't need Gun in his life.  He really can't do this now. 

Without a warning, Gun huddles a little closer. "So what do you do over here usually? Other than shouting 'I'm the king of the world' which I think you obviously do. Don't even try to deny. " He says casually. 

Off doesn't even bother to suppress his laugh. "I'm the king of the world? Oh please. You really think I will stand here and shout like that?''

"Why not? Go on. Don't be shy. I won't tell anyone.'' Gun is teasing. 

Off reaches the rusted railing of the lighthouse in two quick steps just for the sake of the thrill.  He feels the fearless wind that is hitting his face even while he yells, 
"GUN, YOU ARE ADORABLE."

There's no echo. There's no one to berate him for feeling mischievous and there's no one to judge him for his defiance. Only Gun. 

When he looks back at Gun, he sees a streak of beautiful red running along Gun's neck until it touches his ear lobe and from there it diffuses into a smudge as if it is a remain of a temporary kiss. It reminds him that he really screwed up this time. 

Push but don't pull. Push but don't pull.

He keeps on chanting. 

But Gun follows him as on cue and cups his mouth with his hands and shouts, 
"OFF I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.'' 
"A little more every day'' The next words come out merely as a whisper. 

Off can only look at Gun startled when he has those cool hands trapping his neck in a gentle grasp. Gun's so close to him, only a heartbeat away. His heart on the other hand is wrestling inside his chest, he might even get a seizure at this rate. Because there's no glass door behind which he can hide now. He stands still completely at Gun's mercy. 

"Consequences be damned, Off. Let me have this moment, please.'' Gun implores. 

The next minute he has sweet soft lips pressed against his own. They are floating in the air, to somewhere that can only exist in one's imagination. Standing on this abandoned lighthouse, Off feels like an untamed bird, drifting near the clouds. And all of a sudden, he is falling. 

When Gun pulls away, he feels he should chase the taste and get more of it but Gun's already buried deep  in his chest clutching his shirt in a tight hold. Off can feel nothing except  the shivering body pressed against his chest  seeking warmth in his own arms. He holds the body tight on impulse fearing that if he lets it go now, he won't get another chance to hold it so close to him. 

Something snapped in Off the moment he saw tears rolling down Gun's gilttery eyes, the first time on that fated night. He swore he'll do anything to stop that from happening again but now the realization hits hard because he's the cause of Gun's reddened eyes.  He always will be the cause of Gun's tears and Gun speaks only to confirm his own thoughts. 

"You know what Off? I've known you not for that long. It must be a month at best and I'm already a mess. I don't think you can really understand what you mean to me..I just wish……...'' 

It's his fault. He has caused this pain. He has lured Gun into this web of agony called love with his unbidden attention and care. He couldn't stop himself from caring for Gun and now he is hesitant to give Gun more of it. He has let the gentle breeze in through his window, neither is he willing to let it go nor claim it as his own. Trapped, that's how Gun must be feeling right now. Albeit one word from himself would set Gun free. That one word , an acknowledgment of his feelings doesn't come out of his throat no matter how hard he tries. So he clings on to Gun hard while the latter sobs in agony, tears smearing Off's torso. 

......................................................................
A/N  Wow I'm so good at ruining their dates.