Dusk [sequel to Aurora] - HS AU

Chapter 14

They call me Vacuum Boy, I suck at everything

Song: Vacuum Boy, by Call Me Karizma

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TW: descriptions of anxiety / panic attacks.If you're too triggered by the subject, I recommend you skip the part between the (*) sign.

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2020, July 17th, Friday | 11  p.m

Harry's P.O.V.:

I'm such a coward.

There was I, ready to open up my heart and tell Aster everything, and again, I screwed up. I mean, yeah, at least the secret I was the most afraid of is out in the open. Ever since we started dating, I've been wanting to tell her about the fling I had with Penny, but then Penny was pregnant and marrying Aster's father and I simply couldn't tell her how afraid I was of being the father.

After everything that happened, I'm well aware I was bloody lucky for Aster even coming back to the apartment that night. She was so pissed, so hurt, it wouldn't be a surprise if she gave me at least a week's worth of a cold shoulder. I would definitely deserve it, so I guess I would've understood that.

But she came back, took care of me and was willing to have a conversation. She was willing to communicate, to open up and confide in each other everything we should've been confiding ever since day one.

And again, I omitted something from her.

Well, technically I did nothing wrong. I didn't tell her because it's something so personal, and as idiotic as I might sound, it's such a weakness. I don't want her to think that I'm weak, much less that I'm using my panic attacks as a reason as to why she should give me another chance. It made sense to me, then, not to tell her about something she only witnessed once, months ago. Besides, this is not something she can make better, and I definitely don't want her to take the responsibility, as she did the last time she was with me in a moment of weakness.

However, the moment I stepped out of the guest's room where she had been staying, I started regretting not telling her. I'm honestly so tired of hiding stuff, so tired of all the secrets, all the elaborate lies and omissions in order not to be caught. At that moment, I realized I was too exhausted to keep going, and that I couldn't take it anymore.

That's why I found myself knocking at her door not even 5 minutes later. She opened the door with a tired expression, frowning a little bit as she realized it was me again.

"Harry--" She starts, but I cut her mid-sentence.

"There's another thing I should've told you." I blurt out all at once. "I've been having panic attacks."

"W-What?" Her eyebrows shot up so high it almost reached her hairline. "For how long?" She widens her eyes.

"About... 2 to 3 months, I guess." I frowned, trying to force myself to remember the exact time it all began. "It was a bit right after my father got sick."

"Oh, my God, Curly." She closed her lips to a thin line. "What do you think is triggering them?"

"Honestly? The way I've lost control of everything, all at once, I think... With the cancer, S&L's contracts, the Penelope thing and you being away." The words got out of my mouth before I could bite them back. "I mean, I'm not saying it is your fault or anything like that, it's just--"

"You felt alone and helpless." She ends the sentence for me, the corners of her lips quivering. "Oh, Curly... I wish you'd have told me how bad everything was sooner. I should've been here for you, I hate it that you went through it all alone."