Letters to Voltaire - Short Stories

The Invisible Pink Unicorn, Pastafarianism and Theists

Pink Unicorn-man: hello gullible.

Christian theist: hello heretic.

P.U: I went to church today but I didn't see you. Did you have a party last night by any chance?

C.T: what nonsense are you saying! I was sitting in the back, far enough to admire the bleeding cross of our lord jesus ...

P.U: ... or maybe because you were chatting and were afraid that the deacon would scold you and make you recite twenty rosaries!

C.T: you dare to speak when you rarely show up here. Why did you decide to attend today? Are demons starting getting tighter in the kitchen of your soul?

P.U: look, my demons are totally fine. Today they would have prepared an exquisite Bolognese sauce, but unfortunately I was dragged here against my will.

C.T: to learn a lesson from the Holy Spirit would only help you. Instead, I came here out of my will, but then I saw you.

P.U: I see that I am no different from the Lord: as he weighs on your conscience, so I weigh on you!

C.T: sure. However our savior weighs on the conscience of us all, while being nowhere. Instead you are here and I notice it from your horrible scent which is too recognizable. But geez, change it!

P. U: damn man, you are so mean! I would rather want to know how can you say that your lord is nowhere if you find him leaning against the arch of the church right now.

C.T: you talk as if he was sunbathing, but can you hear yourself talking? Fortunately he is far away enough to not overhear this conversation ...

P. U: but I do not understand: you say that he us nowhere and yet you worry that it may hear us. You say it's all over the place, but then why are we talking in such a low voice, like we're mourning the cat?

C.T: with all due respect for the cat, you are truly incorrigible! So, it is a matter of faith: I cannot make you understand why I see Jesus and you do not. He is invisible to the eyes, you can only grasp him with heart.

P.U: What if I had a heart attack and had a pacemaker implanted in the body?

C.T : you are so funny.

P.U: wow, did you see it?

C.T: what?

P.U: the invisible pink unicorn!

C.T: eh?

P.U: Incredible, I'm the only one who has seen the invisible pink unicorn!

C.T: but if it is invisible how can you have seen it?

P.U: I grasped it with heart, my friend. Come on, let's have a drink, in the name of the heavenly pot...

At the bar

C.T: I can't think about it, you are so disrespectful! You will burn in the fires of hell for this!

P.U: Hey, calm down, take it easy for a moment. How can I believe in God when you don't want to believe in my pink unicorn?

C.T: What does this have to do with it? The unicorn is a  human creation, how could it possibly be comparable to our lord who first became man, then baptized us in the waters where the holy spirit descended?

P.U: Well, I really don't know...

C.T: You cannot prove the non-existence of God then!

P.U: To tell the truth, no affirmation can be believed only on the basis of the fact that its inaccuracy cannot be proved. This is why it is not up to me to show you that the unicorn exists, or that beings made of pasta have created man in his image and likeness, that is, a very hungry animal.

PASTAFARIAN: sorry? Who dares to name in vain the prodigious flying spaghetti, creator of restaurants and coca cola?

P.U: Oh my, here's another one.

C.T:Haha, here's another heretic standing in the way of the house of Christ. You are many apparently!

P.F:Christian, I do not persecute the followers of other religions: but do not disturb me while I honor my meal, otherwise it will be trouble for you!

C.T: Who are you to talk to me like that? Show yourself, devil!

P.F: I'm a five-foot-tall boxer, that's who I am. You know what? I am gonna beat you, not in the name of spaghetti, but because you're a sucker!

P.U: guys, please calm down, it's not worth the slaughter. I think that in the end what really matters is that we all have the same intuition of a creator of the cosmos and the providential order of things. The ideas of men are changeable, so it is normal to have different representations of God at the same time. For me, it could be a Pink Unicorn, for you it could be a Person who gets close to us because of suffering, or for you it could be an appetizing flying Monster made of Spaghetti. We should be closer than that. Religion has left us precepts concerning the care and love of our neighbors, it has not told us what color or shape God is. So let us love each other: men are Gods to men.

P.F: that was beautiful...

C.T: I agree with you. But, who's going to pay those drinks over there?