The Red Bull Party Girl |ON HOLD|

39. Russia

I refused to give myself anymore time dwelling on what had happened and decided to throw myself into my schedule. I'd spent enough time crying and wallowing, I'd missed media day, free practice Friday and quali yesterday and I knew I had to start pulling myself together. But it didn't stop me from feeling as angry as fuck.

Seb had sent poor Britta to see me on Wednesday with instructions that I was to fly back home to the UK after today, he didn't want me back in Switzerland with him. The only other message he had for me was that he'd only have contact with me if it was about the baby. He'd completely cut me off and left me feeling like I'd done something wrong, like I was to blame but he'd also made me feel so angry that right now I actually hated him.

My appearance on the bus, that had been hired to ferry team members to and from the circuit, caused quite a stir as did my throwing up into a bag as my morning sickness made its usual daily re-run. I could tell that Emma was trying not to gag and be supportive by leaving her hand on my shoulder but when the bus arrived at the circuit I'd never seen her move so fast to get off. I wasn't quite sure what to do with my bag of sick as I headed, alone, towards the security gates and so I tied the handles in a tight knot and popped it into a bin as I passed it.

My stomach begin to churn again and my mouth seemed to be dry one second and then watering uncomfortably the next, a usual sign I was about to throw up. Scanning my pass at the gate, my nerves began to seriously jangle, I wasn't looking forward to seeing Seb one bit. What if I couldn't control myself and yelled at him in front of everyone or broke down in tears and begged him to take me back?

"You alright?" Jonesy appeared at my side. "What was you doing on the bus? You normally go in with Seb."

My shoulders sagged, my now ex-boyfriend obviously hadn't told anyone that he'd 'cooled things off' with me but then I shouldn't be surprised given how private he is.

"Harper?" He slipped an arm around my shoulders, I was oozing misery, it was impossible to hide it.

"Don't Jonesy." I shrugged him off. "It's not that I don't appreciate it but right now I'm only just keeping a lid on things."

"Oh." His tone told me that the penny had dropped and he'd figured it out for himself. "Had a row then."

"I'd rather not discuss it." I replied, lowering my gaze to the floor as we walked so as not to make eye contact with anyone I was passing.

"Is it true that you threw up on the bus?" He asked, sounding cheerier. "Been drowning your sorrows and now suffering?"

"Yes." I lied, knowing that the bubble was still a secret to everyone but the essential people. I still hadn't told my family yet, how the hell was I going to explain things to them? Oh by the way mum, I'm pregnant and Seb's dumped me.

"I'll get you some paracetamol when we get in." He patted my back. "What was it? The entire contents of the mini bar?"

"I've had some already." I replied. Half of me was glad to see the Red Bull area as it meant I could escape him but the other half of me was dreading going in as it was likely that I'd see Seb.

"Harper?" He stopped me and held me by the tops of my arms. "If you want to talk......"

Not for the first time I felt my anger manifesting itself as tears and I blinked rapidly to try and stop them. I was done crying. I swallowed and took a deep breath, trying to ease the heavy ache in my chest. "I'm fine." I'd be more than fine when I could get changed and get on with some work, working meant less time thinking about Seb.

"You alright chick?" Emma came walking towards us. "Sorry I had to bolt."

Jonesy looked from me to Emma and then let go of me. He gave me a sympathetic smile before thinking he could help me by saying, "I'll have a word with Seb, see if you two can't smooth things over."