Robin

day 14

I walk to the lake today there was still some police tape blowing in the wind wrapped around a tree, left over from the day they found you.

The murderous water was so still, peaceful even. it moved continuously on, weird to think it held your motionless cold body captive for days.

i wondered up the fragile cliffs to the highest point looking over the lake wondered if this was the last place your mortal body had walked too

I watched as the waves broke as they gently broke over the unforgiving rocks below me. such a violent occurrence looked so peaceful from this distance.

every part of my body wanted to scream as loud as I could for as long as I could and listen to the echoes screaming back at me, but I wasn't ready to let go of my final breath yet

I stood silently holding my breath listening to the surroundings trying to hear if there were any echoes left, whispers trapped forever repeating your final words

I took the small velvet box out of my pocket opened it to reveal the meaningless entanglement of metal. through blurred vision I hung it over the edge and let in slip through my fingers down into the water below knowing i had let go of the final physical piece of you i still had to hold.

you had convinced me there was beauty in this world if you knew where to look.
shown me how to find joy when there was nothing to be happy about.
made me believe i don't have to live for anything other than myself and that that's enough.

but it was all smoke and mirrors.

did you think preaching these beautiful ideas to me would make losing you easier.

maybe I failed you, maybe by building me up you tore yourself apart. The parts of you, you left in me stare back at me as i look down at my reflection swaying in the foggy waters below

it was never your job to prepare me for the world but without you i'm utterly unprepared.

i knew from the moment our paths intertwined our destiny was aligned, i was happy to resign my future to follow you. but robin why would you forsake your own for this

were you scared too.

i wasn't scared of what waited for me below or the risk of failure. i was scared at the risk of the fall bring clarity i cannot see.

did you regret stepping off this cliff robin. will i ?

even when standing here seemingly at the top of the world i still can't see the bigger picture.

i moved my right leg forward past the rocky edge certain that if i could get one leg past the point of no return the rest of me could follow.

my lungs began to scream, i knew couldn't hold my breath much longer. my lungs screamed for new oxygen while everything else inside of my screamed for nothingness.

i started to lose balance, my left knee ready to buckle. i closed my eyes, concentrating my strength to fight the urge for fresh air

i couldn't stay in limbo any longer, knew it was my time to fly. i allowed myself to go limp and finally fall.

i felt so free following you to the end. i knew my choice to step over the cliff couldn't be wrong

i thought only of you as i fell.

you were my first love and my last thought

was this always our destiny to die like this robin