Far Away (Namjin)

eleventh

Dear Namjoon,

I had a lot of work to do this spring and summer so I hope you forgive me not writing you for two whole seasons.
It's almost autumn now. The leaves are changing color and the trees are getting ready for a long nap.
All the birds are going away to find a new warm home. Chalk has gotten so big but he's still too young to ride. He jumps around and plays a lot. Ruining mom's flowers, and he gets scolded for it. My mom treats him just like he treated us when we were kids. Which makes me feel a little weird since he's a horse and I'm a human being.
Talking about scolding. I got interested in embroidery.
Again, Mrs. Park was the one who taught me since my mom doesn't really care what I do. But when she found all the fabric and threads and ribbons in my room, she got so mad and started a long speech about how these things aren't meant for boys and boys must work in farms and stables.
My brother was no better. The only thing he does is adding gasoline to fire. "Seokjin is not efficient in any farm work. He never helps. Just sits around doing nothing. Making all these stupid pictures"
I wish my dad was still with us. They think that I'm the reason he's dead because I didn't quit school and come back home to help him sooner. They tell me I'm useless and yet they blame every single one of their problems on me like I have such a big role in their lives.
I used to blame myself for so long. I cried every night; I cried when no one was around; I cried when I went to the forest to be alone. Not having you here didn't help either. I think the reason for my several letters despite your liking was that....I was afraid. I was lonely and sad and I was afraid to lose another person I care about.
But all the things that happened this past year opened my eyes. You going away, your father hitting me, you telling me you want to change your major. It all helped me undrestand. I understand now that it's okay to care about yourself. To listen to your dreams and get what you actually want. And that's what I decided to do.
So I thank you. Thank you Namjoon for being my mentor even from this very long distance.
By the way, how is the girl you met? Are you together now? I hope you're happy. Well, I couldn't make you happy like this so I hope she can.
I'm sending you some of my drawings and embroideries since they are not safe in this house with me gone. Please keep them safe. I will probably come and take them off your hands one day.
Please never forget that I love you. And I always will.

With love
Seokjin X