Fragile

Chapter 27

When I had first got my acceptance letter for college, I was more terrified than excited. Truthfully, I hadn't even applied; Nurse Lucy had done it on my behalf. So I was more than a little confused that day when she came into my room grinning ear to ear with an envelope in her hand. 

Back then, I was still too afraid to speak, too afraid of what could happen if I talked. Nurse Lucy seemed to calm when she noticed my expression. "Baby, what's wrong?" she hurriedly handed me a white board and marker. "Do you not want to go to college? I thought this was what you wanted. We got your GED and everything." 

There were so many things I wanted to say. I wasn't able to go to college. I knew I couldn't. I wasn't like other kids, it wasn't safe for me to go outside. I was fragile; I was breakable. How could I stay safe? 

But Nurse Lucy just gave me a warm smile. "No one has to know about your past if you don't want them to. Even if there's nothing to be ashamed of, you don't have to share your personal experiences. Is that what you're worried about?"

I avoided her gaze, ashamed for being so easy to read. If she could understand my thoughts this easily, how was I supposed to keep my weakness hidden from an entire campus of people? How could I pretend to be normal, like the girls on TV? I wasn't even that pretty. 

She patted my leg gently as she sat at my bedside, passing me the fat envelope, already opened. "Sorry, couldn't help myself," she commented. "I just think it's such a waste for you to not have this experience, especially if the foster system is going to pay for everything, you know? You don't have to let your past define you." 

I had hesitantly taken the envelope with shaky hands. Sure enough, my acceptance letter was smack on the top, printed on high quality paper and stamped with a seal. I had looked at the letter in awe. Was I really allowed to go to college? Could I really be a normal student, like in movies? 

Nurse Lucy had sensed my indecisiveness, she always seemed to understand how I was feeling, even if I didn't know it myself. "Fay," she coaxed me out of my inner spiral. "Everyone has secrets. Everyone has their issues. Neither of these things should stop you from living life." 

Back then, I hadn't believed her. Even as she spent the year leading up to college introducing me to the outside world through walks near the hospital and other activities, I couldn't fathom that others were filled with secrets and insecurities of their own. In my eyes, people were just terrifying. Their shadows were hidden, so I never knew what anyone was truly capable of. Then again, demons could be secrets in and of themselves. 

As I walked around campus, I reminded myself of Nurse Lucy's words. Each person that passed, in their own worlds, had their own secrets and their own baggage. People that used to terrify me, people that seemed to foreign and unknown to me, suddenly couldn't appear more human. I wondered when my mindset had changed. Had there been a specific event that changed my thoughts? When exactly did I decide to see people as humans with their own flaws instead of masked reflections of my own fears?

I detoured towards the hiking trail behind campus, lost in thought as I kicked the dirt. After the botched mission, I had been left in limbo, both with Noah and with what to do next. It seemed like everyone was, unsure of where to go from here. Maybe we were all hoping for another opportunity to pop up, maybe we had truly given up. Even so, I couldn't let go. Not after everything. I felt responsible for those girls somehow; I couldn't just throw in the towel. But I couldn't find a solution either. It was a frustrating cycle. 

I jumped at the sound of rustling behind me, whirling around. "W-who- ack!" I yelped as I backpedaled, tripping over a rock and landing on my butt with a yelp.