Harriet's Arrangement

Conflicted

Later that evening, having spent a difficult hour and a half with Kieran talking her through all her various options, Harriet made her way to Tom's flat in something of a trance. He was waiting outside the entrance to the block when she arrived, having received her text message an hour previously asking for his company that evening. He took one look at her as she made her way up the steps to him and wordlessly took her into his arms as whatever was holding her together gave way and she dissolved into silent tears.

They stood for a minute or two until she calmed enough to be led inside and up to his flat, where he sat her down on the sofa, carefully removed her shoes and tucked the throw that she had become rather familiar with around them both, wiping tears from her cheeks and planting gentle kisses in her hair.

He waited for her to speak: he knew that asking wouldn't bring the answers any quicker, because she would speak when she was ready. There was ten minutes or so of silence, until Hattie eventually said, in a hoarse, broken voice, "He knows... Malcolm knows that I spoke to Kieran... and he's really scared. And I think he's angry, but more at himself... because I think he's... I think he regrets what he's done and... I don't know how to feel..."

Tom didn't reply for a moment, processing what she'd said and trying to piece it together. "Start from the beginning, Hattie," he said gently, "I need you to help me understand what happened today."

So she did – she told him how Malcolm had sent her a new phone, how he'd overheard Hattie telling Johnny about Tom and using the word boyfriend – "Because it was the easiest way to describe it," she interjected, a shade nervously, Tom thought, "You don't, we don't have to... label –". 

"Shh, sweetheart," he said, "I get it. And I like it." He'd winked and she'd blushed and continued the story, explaining Malcolm's reaction, his request to speak elsewhere, the way Kieran had seen and attached himself to the group and how that had triggered Malcolm's suspicions. And then Malcom's anger, and restraining Kieran, and the spanking... and finally the conversation that had, it seemed to Harriet, turned the world on its head.

"I've just... I've never seen him look so... vulnerable," she whispered, staring straight ahead of her, a little afraid of what Tom might be thinking, "And it's not like I suddenly forgave him for everything, but I did feel like perhaps there was more to him – to this – than I'd thought. And then I remembered all of the little weird things he's said – like telling me I'm beautiful, being angry when I didn't want him to make me come, saying he'd hoped that it would be 'fun'... and then today, he said 'I fucked you because I know it's what your body is screaming out for'... and," she fought back a slightly hysterical sob, "He's right, in a way, but I just never wanted him to be the one, and I never wanted that from him... but the fact that he knew that, made me think.... I don't know – he's not just a thoughtless..."

Tom was shh-ing her again, stroking her hair as she struggled to speak through her tears. "It's ok, Hattie," he whispered, "It's ok, and it's completely understandable that you feel like this."

She hiccupped and looked up at him. "It is? You don't just think I'm completely awful for feeling conflicted?"

He shook his head, giving her a slightly sad smile. "I don't at all," he said, "This man has put you through some awful things, and you know that. You quite clearly hate him for that, and that's completely ok too. But he's also, as you've told me and as you've now told him, helped you discover something that you've probably needed for quite some time – and now, he's shown you that in some bizarre twisted way that he probably cares about you."

She swallowed. "But I don't like that he cares for me," she said, knowing that it was true, "I hate that there's anything getting in the way of me hating him and wanting to never see him again, and preferably having him locked up somewhere. But it's not that simple, and even before today I don't think it was."