Harriet's Arrangement

No secrets

It took some time for the reality of life without Malcolm to settle in. The initial high wore off, unsurprisingly, relatively quickly, and after that Harriet felt herself yo-yo-ing between feelings of guilt, euphoria, anxiety and relief. Tom supported her through the process in a way that never ceased to amaze her, keeping exactly all of the aspects of their relationship at exactly the right level – or rather, in balance, she liked to remind herself. And on her good days, balance was precisely what she felt, and she was pleased to find that as time passed, more and more of the days were good ones. Eva and Lily noticed the shift too, but continued to respect her boundaries and didn't push her for any information. The weeks after the incident in Newcastle had been difficult, and Harriet had cancelled almost all social engagements, finding it difficult to interact without some greater purpose. But, with Tom's help, that changed slowly, and she felt more confident in returning to some old familiar routines – including her fortnightly drinks with the girls. But still she wasn't quite ready to share it all with them.

At work, she noticed that for some time after Malcolm's departure, Johnny kept her rather at arm's length: he wasn't unkind or rude, but for Harriet, guilt rode to the surface every time he found an excuse to leave the room because they'd found themselves at a loose end for conversation. She didn't much want to imagine the questions he might have, and felt herself deliberately avoiding any situation in which he might ask them – but didn't like that she was doing that, and knew it had to change. Kieran remained patient and professional, understood when she had wobbles and checked in regularly enough to remind her that his sympathy and concern was genuine and not simply a professional courtesy. But Johnny's behaviour, and indeed her reaction to his behaviour, bothered her – and it was unsurprising that Kieran picked up on it.

"Talk to him, Hattie," Kieran said gently, as she stood with one hand on the door, on the way out of their one-to-one one week, after several months of this strange team dynamic. She paused and turned to look at him, the words almost a relief to hear – and the push that she knew she needed. "He needs to understand, I think."

She nodded her understanding, and smiled a grateful smile, thinking not for the first time how relieved she was that the whole thing had not only failed to drive any kind of awkward wedge between her and Kieran, but had in fact, she thought, made them a little closer. The conversations they had shared throughout the process, both before and after Newcastle, had been difficult for both of them – but Harriet knew that Kieran's calm, professional and empathetic way of handling the situation had made it as smooth as something like that could be. Ultimately, it had resulted in an open and honest atmosphere that carried naturally through into other aspects of their working relationship.

She caught up with Johnny on his way out later that day.

"Johnny," she said, cutting off his awkward stutter that had become par for the course when he encountered her unexpectedly, "Can we get a drink? I think we should talk."

He shut his mouth and looked at his feet. "Uh... sure, Hattie... we can... talk."

She punched him lightly on the arm, desperate to lighten the mood a little. "I'm buying," she said, "Come on."

And they talked – or she did. She gave him a little more background to what he'd witnessed in Newcastle, sparing him the majority of the details. And, perhaps because this was a necessary conversation that she had convinced herself she didn't have any choice but to have, she explained it in a way that she never had before, describing it perhaps more as an onlooker might – without any of the complications that came with her own confused feelings. And, as when she had told Kieran for the first time, as she spoke she felt her perspective shifting yet again to feel a step further away from it all, and as Johnny listened and slowly began to respond, she felt some of the barrier that had been there since the conference in Newcastle dissolve. And as the wall between them crumbled a little, and she caught sparks of their old jovial relationship, she felt a pang of nostalgia and guilt – and she realised that now that she had managed to cross this bridge and reconnect with Johnny, she owed her two best friends an explanation as well.