Hey you
Fill in the missing answer: Today I am feeling _______________________
Honestly I can't give a definite answer.
I figured that I should share an epiphany that I had last night. I felt alone for quite some time. Let me show all of you another quality of mine. It has caused my being to have a love-hate relationship with my mind.
Drum roll, please........... I cling to people.
As I grew up I had friends in my life and they have come and gone because I made huge mistakes or reality drifted us apart. I depended on them and that made me become this person that was I don't want to say conniving but unrecognizable even to his own self. My constant priority was to protect them, but in the process, I hurt them. I try working on this problem and I have made progress by not interfering in their lives anymore. So the friends that I have now, I spoke to them about the type of person that I am. The funny thing is that even though they understand and give reassurance, I still feel that I will lose them because of being too attached.
I care so much about my friends in my life, past, and present. Honestly, they are the strongest and toughest individuals that I've met. They may have their moments of weakness but they bounce back quickly. I wished I had that quality, it's tiring to feel weak. There are certain times where I would show more affection and in the end, I feel like a complete imbecile because there is this possibility where my affectionate side can make my friends cringe. My mind would say things like: "You're stupid" or "Do you want to lose them?".
That's why it has led to me sitting by my desk and avoiding my phone like it was my enemy. I know that life keeps everyone busy with priorities and responsibilities, I understand. Having 3 a.m thoughts brings up a lot of conflicts that I have kept hidden. I would always imagine if I did things differently then things would change, but it's too late for that. I'm not saying that I should be alone because that would be a slap to every loved one in my life, it's just I feel that if I'm myself, then they will just walk away from me.
To those who can relate to this, I want you to know that I understand and you are not alone.
YOU ARE READING
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