The Wrong Right One!

The Nasty Dilemma !

August 2015

Mike sees me sitting with my notepad, and he gives his suspicious lawyer look.

"Help me, will you? ", I ask with my pity face on, for which he never fails to fall for.

"Don't pull that face now ! Just tell me what you need and I'll decide if I want to?", he says in a stern voice trying not to fall prey for my strategies yet again. 

"I'm finding it hard to decide my maid of honor", I say pouting a little more to trap him.

"Fine....", he comes and sits near me and asks, "Do you really need to write points on your notepad for this? ". I nod enthusiastically with the happiness of trapping him yet again and say, "Absolutely!!".

He takes my notepad and reads what I've written out loud in his lawyer-like accent. 

"Rachel... Best friend... Knows my wedding plans since 15, very creative and brings nice presents...", he takes a pause to look at me  and I make an eye movement asking him to continue, "Clara... the ultimate planner , knows me for a long time, has great taste in food. Julia... Extremely fun-loving, well-dressed, but prettier than me ..", he stops laughing at the circle I've done for the last point, "... Amy... Sweet, Sensible and has lots of money." I am confident that he wouldn't judge me whatsoever.

"So ???? ", I ask him with so much curiosity in my eyes and voice as to know who Mike has picked. Apparently , he has known me for equally long time and has been with me when I kept adding more to my best friend list. 

"How can a person have these many best friends? Isn't the best friend title supposed to be given to one?", he asks. We've had the conversation many times before on our conflicting opinion of having more than one best friend. He feels it should be a single person but I think otherwise. 

"What harm could possibly happen from having more than one best friend? Too much love & support?", I ask in a mean tone.

"This...!!!!!!!!!!!", he points at my notepad, making me think that he might be right for a moment. "If you want me to decide, I'd choose Rachel , as she has been your bestfriend since school, she's a mutual friend for us who practically knows all your plans already and I know how cranky you get when your plans don't get executed. Also, it's obvious that you love her the most... !". That's my man. He would even submit documented proof if I want him to justify better. I'm just glad that it's settled once and for all that Rachel is my maid of honor and I'm extremely relieved that I didn't share it with her when I mistook my secret texter to be Damon.

October 2005

I lock myself into my room and I'm sitting under the shower , crying , thinking what a stupid mistake I have made. I should have asked his name and I definitely shouldn't have assumed it to be Damon. Why did I not see, why did it all fit so well for two whole months or was I too blindsided.  I keep blaming myself on a loop for an hour or so and I am kind of judging myself right now. I need to make a decision, not sure what or whom, but I have to make it immediately. 

After the long good cry , I decide I should let one of them go. I even feel like ending things with both of them if I cannot decide who I should let go. It feels terrible to even be in this situation, to have to even decide but there's a part of me that is glad to have known this before it went any further. Alright, I'm done crying. However hard it is, I am not sleeping without making a solid decision. 

I hate to make Pros and Cons list, that's not me and I don't want to choose my love based on it. I just want to figure out which is real and who will be less hurt , and I take my notepad to point down the facts to help me decide. I curse myself for putting myself in this situation and I start writing down. 

*I like Damon a lot . His smiles, his winks..... but I don't know if I  truly love him or it's just a physical attraction, as I love the person who sent the messages , which is Michael. 

*Michael loves me . But he thinks I've known it's him all the time when we flirted and cared and fought for the last two months. 

*I do have strong feelings for Damon. Why else would I assume it's him. 

*Damon knows I've been drooling at him all this time. So he also thinks I like him back, which is also true. 

GOD. SAVE. ME. I'm in the verge of crying again but I'm determined I shouldn't.

*It's easy to end things with Damon as it has barely started. And it's extremely tough with Michael, especially under these circumstances.

*Damon wouldn't get hurt as much as Michael would. 

I underline the last point twice stressing it's importance to my inner self, so that she wouldn't get a stable point of view. 

*Michael is so caring , loving and very respectful. I will be the most terrible person if I hurt him.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I write this and I start thinking about everything that Michael has done for me. The efforts, the surprises, the sweet morning messages, the long comforting messages every time I feel down, the nicknames, the romantic messages. And I realize, it's all messages. Why didn't he talk to me in person , no looks, not even a call. He has made it look like there's nothing going on in his life to everyone, including me, the very person he loves. I write it down as it's a valid point. 

*Michael wants a secret relationship.

It angers me. I pick my mobile and send him a message immediately.

EMMA CARLYLE

Why have you not tried to talk to me in person ? Or even a call ? 

I try to get back to writing while deeply I'm waiting for his reply. I write another * and the phone vibrates. 

PRIVATE NUMBER

I thought you weren't ready for it. 

For the love of God , SAVE THE NUMBER, I yell at myself and I save it. 

EMMA CARLYLE

So, you are ready?  

MICHAEL SINCLAIR

Soon!! (wink) (wink)

This wink doesn't make me feel  good anymore. I blame myself as it reminds me of Damon. Neither do I feel good about the reply. It's very lame. He is not ready to have a open relationship. There's a difference between having a private relationship and a secret one. And I definitely don't want to be in a secret one. 

EMMA CARLYLE

I don't want to be in a secret relationship anymore , Michael! Decide !! Bye!

I snapped. I'm mad at him for the stupidity and at myself for reaching nowhere after spending two hours trying to make a decision. I think to myself that he might not be as serious as I think and also that I should talk with Damon in person tomorrow. I take my notepad and write,

*DECISION PENDING*