Found by sin - Bokuaka

Chapter 9

“Maybe the sins he can't forgive are far worse”.

Bokuto couldn't stop replaying that phrase in his mind. He hadn't really realised the impact of those words when Akaashi said them, but then, he remembered how hopeless the man’s expression was.

He still couldn't understand his situation. Why was he being punished like this? Why couldn't God forgive him, even though he clearly regretted his sins?

Suddenly, a thought crossed his mind.

“Could it be… That God made a mistake?”.

He instantly scolded himself for even thinking that. But as the night passed, not being able to sleep, that thought lingered and became stronger.

What if it really was a mistake? Why, if not that, would God be punishing someone like that?

Could it be because of Akaashi's sexuality? That seemed so… Immature…

A whim, then? But, why?

Suddenly, Bokuto remembered Akaashi's confession back then. Could it be because of Akaashi's questioning thoughts towards God?

No… God couldn't be proud like that… Right?

Bokuto felt his mind in a crisis. He’d never questioned God before. He’d never even thought about that possibility. And he felt scared. Scared of where those thoughts could drive him.

He layed in bed, restless, looking at the ceiling as he couldn't help but replay his encounter with that man a few hours ago. Just by thinking that, he felt himself getting aroused again.

“...We both wanted to and we weren't hurting anyone, so what's the big deal?”.

Bokuto was starting to think that Akaashi's words weren't entirely wrong. But as soon as he thought that, he felt disappointed in himself. It was like he was looking for excuses to justify his sins.

It was a sin. He couldn't pretend it wasn't. Adultery was a sin, lust too, he knew that… But he couldn't deny that he wanted it when it happened. And, if he was being honest with himself… He still wanted it.

It was like a virus taking over his mind. Lust was actually interfering with his better judgment. Why did he feel like this? Why, after all those years? Why him? Why couldn't he get him out of his head?

Akaashi's image took over Bokuto's mind every time he didn't actively focus on not thinking about him. It was like a subconscious thing.

Hours passed in that state. Bokuto tried to reject it at first. But remembering him felt… Surprisingly good.

Dawn’s light began to appear as Bokuto realised he couldn't fight this. It really was addictive. He'd never experienced something like that before.

He sat on his bed, exhausted. He wasn't able to sleep at all. But he needed to do something, anything, to distract himself.

Tomorrow he had a mass to guide. He better prepare for it.

---

Dawn lights showed in the clouds as Akaashi laid on a house’s roof.

Part of him felt actually overjoyed. He still kind of couldn't believe it happened again. And how it happened. Bokuto's reaction this time, being more active, made him pleasantly surprised. He couldn't have possibly foreseen that side of him.

But also, he remembered the afflicted face he made when he opened up about his past. And couldn't help but feel guilty.

That also made him angry. After all, Bokuto admitted he wanted it too, and he wasn't forced to do it, so why did he feel guilty?