Found by sin - Bokuaka

Chapter 5

After a couple of days, Bokuto still felt uneasy every time he thought about Akaashi and the conversation they held. Those questions made him remember those days, memories he’d buried deep down his mind, hoping to forget them eventually, although that day hasn't come.

No one had ever asked him about his past before, and the fact that Akaashi could figure out part of it made him angry. But what made him feel even more angry and confused was the fact that he couldn't answer him. Could that mean that he actually missed feeling that kind of pleasure? That maybe lust would still wander around inside him like a forbidden desire?

That didn't make sense to him. In almost a decade of celibacy, he never once felt tempted by the desires of the flesh. He hasn't even thought of that. Then why couldn't he answer that man?

That day, Bokuto noticed Akaashi among the crowd attending the mass. Seeing him made him feel nervous. He tried to ignore his presence, but every once in a while he looked at him, finding the blue-eyed man staring back at him every time, with a focused look on his face.

The mass advanced normally and communion came, but Bokuto noticed that Akaashi didn't participate in it. Instead of lining up, he kept looking at him. Bokuto thought that was strange, since he never missed communion before. Was something off happening to him? He found himself feeling worried, which surprised him a little.

Later that day, when he was already in his house reading, he heard a knocking sound. Once he looked up, he saw Akaashi appear next to his library.

“Good afternoon”, greeted Bokuto.

“Good afternoon, Father”, answered Akaashi. “I hope I’m not bothering you. I just wondered if I could borrow one of your books again”.

“Yes, sure, help yourself”, said Bokuto, starting to feel uneasy.

Akaashi noticed. He thanked the priest, grabbed a book and sat down next to him, just like last time. But this time, there was a palpable tension between them.

Akaashi started reading. Their last conversation had left him extremely curious, but after thinking of it, he decided to act normally and see how Bokuto behaved, before trying something that could change their relationship completely.

After a while, Bokuto spoke.

“Hey, Akaashi… Are you alright? Is there something wrong?”.

Akaashi looked up. “Why do you ask?”.

“It's just that… Today you didn't participate in communion… Did something happen?”.

Akaashi's expression turned serious.

“Do you really want to know?”.

Bokuto hesitated. Something told him to stop and forget that he ever asked, but also part of him was genuinely worried.

“Well, I mean, if you want to tell me and if there's something I could help you with…”, said Bokuto.

Akaashi put down his book.

“I didn't commune because I committed a sin that I haven't confessed”, said looking straight into Bokuto's eyes. “And I don't intend to confess it, because I don't regret it. Not anymore”.

Bokuto looked at him confused, not sure of what he should say.

“You see…”, Akaashi continued, closing the book. “I told you that my biggest sin in life could be lust… So I was thinking that, maybe, it’s just part of who I am… Maybe I'm a sinner and I should just embrace it. And considering my current state, why shouldn't I? Why should I hold back from what I desire? After all, I tried doing the right thing. I prayed, I regretted my sins every single day, I looked for help, I did my best to achieve forgiveness… But I’m still stuck here. So maybe, it doesn't matter how you behave in my situation. God doesn't seem to care. So what's the point of trying anymore? Why do I have to keep denying that part of me?”.