[: mcyt angst :] - DISCONTINUED -

chapter 29: drops of regrets

gsgfhghshjdgdhsg ok so.. this isn't about a specific person. i just wrote this up in like 30 minutes.

TW (SO SORRY I FORGOT TO ADD THIS): negative self-talk, su!c!de

~ { ____'s POV } ~

Not everyone is perfect.

If I had learned that I would be like this, look like this, act like this, feel like this, I would've given up a long time ago.

But now it's 3 in the morning, and my senses are ringing.

I hear rain drops pounding on my roof. I feel the familiar tightness in my throat. I taste the salty tears running off into my mouth. I smell the damp and cold outdoors. I see the blank nothingness that surrounds me.

No one to reach, no one to call. Not a soul in the night, not at all.

When my eyes stop draining, and my throat releases itself from the prison, I can breathe again. UnFortunately.

It gets hard to think properly. All the noise and loneliness. I wasn't meant to be this way. If I could trade a life for mine, though, I would not. I wouldn't wish this curse upon anyone.

The curse of constant regrets. Always sneaking up memories and unspoken thoughts. Things I should've said, should've done. Maybe if I had thought about it more, I wouldn't be stuck here. All I had to blame was myself.

Feelings were non-existent. It was never about how I felt. It was about how I acted. How I perceived a situation and how I handled it. I could've handled it better, maybe been more empathetic, sensitive, bold. Followed along with their movements and blended in.

But is that what I wanted? To be seen as a pet, just a pet that is willingly loyal to you? Maybe not. I didn't exactly want that much. Favors seemed pretty pointless. I'll die anyway.

My mind was led astray from the primary question. The reason I came up to this rooftop in the first place.

Would it be worth it?

Every moment in my life had led up to this moment. Every time I fought to live, no, survive, had led up to this roof.

Sure, I knew I would be the one taking my own life in the end. But I didn't know when. It all depended on the breaking point. Whatever would drive me to insanity. The dangerous pleasures I would gain from this. Not everything has a specific purpose, and I surely didn't have one.

I could never be there for my friends. They could all gain from this. It's like replacing the carpet in your kitchen with hardwood — one less thing to have to take care of. Now you didn't have to worry about spilling your drinks onto the carpet, because it'd be easier to clean with hardwood.

It would be so simple to replace me, too simple. Why had I not done this before? I was waiting for the perfect moment, and this one seemed far overdue. My fine? No going back. This wasn't going to be some half-assed attempt that I gave up on. This time, I would make sure I was gone.

Being soaked had never felt so soothing. Freezing had never been so chillingly calming. My giggles were short of humor. This moment was peaceful. I was happy. But I wasn't going to turn back and roll into my covers. That would make another regret. I didn't want more regrets. This happiness was a relief. Just to let me know that I was making the right choice.

One leap, and that was that. Nothing special. No notes, no letters, no explanations. Just a silent suicide.

3 in the morning turned to 4, then to 5, then to 6, and pretty soon, it was sunrise. People walked out and saw my body splattered on the pavement, blood mixed with rain. They screamed and called the ambulance. Paramedics were only able to confirm that I was too far gone to save.

News spread that I had ended my life that morning. All my friends heard, all my fans. People that looked up to me. People that loved me. People I saved.

Did I really kill myself? How could I let my fucked up emotions stir my thoughts and drift my soul away? My subconscious was yelling at me the whole time, but that served as mere white noise.

I shouldn't have kept it to myself. Maybe I could've reached out and stuck my hand through the fog. I could have gotten help. Why did I insist on hiding everything away?

Once again, I had another regret. But this one was irreversible. I couldn't escape.

',',',',',',',',',',',','

word count: 740

woooooooooo projection much? in my head, i imagined this person as dream, but you can imagine the person as whoever you want.

ok so i'm working on writing a book and i don't think i'll post it. but i can say it contains mostly angst, a bit of smvt, and some fluff. i spent more time writing the fucking plot than this story. it took so longgggg, that's why i'm not uploading :[

anyways ok so bye bye everyone😍🥰

du trinkt wasser💧

essen🍪

geh schlafen🛌

ich liebe euch alle, tschüss💕😘