•COVER• {𝐋𝐓𝐘 𝐀𝐔}

{41} [smashed]

"So, how are you feeling?" My therapist asks, hand on his knees as he looks over the coffee desk at me.

"Fine." I clear my throat, "How long are you going to keep me like this for?"

"Until i clear you, you need to be better. Your dad tells me you have trouble sleeping at night, do you want some melatonin?" He asks.

"No." I shake my head, "i'm doing fine, it's completely reasonable why i don't want to sleep at night."

He leans back, "It's my job to try and help you come over that, it's also my job to get you to talk about what you went through. Exposure therapy is about that. It's the most efficient way to heal and get over your PTSD."

"You want me to relive my ex-boyfriend torturing me and my two friends for five days straight?" I scoff in disbelief, "No."

"I'm afraid you don't get a choice in the matter. Tell me how it started." He brings out a pen and paper.

"No." I mean, come on.

"Seoyeon." He sighs slightly, "The point is so we can figure out where the trauma is and go from there."

"The trauma is the whole thing." I raise my eyebrows.

"How are things with your boyfriend?" He changes the subject, understanding i won't talk about it.

"They were good for a day." I say truthfully. They were good for a day, then i didn't want anybody touching me, he understood, Jisung didn't, i had about fifty mental breakdowns and then told Taeyong i didn't want anything to do with him after he tried comforting me, we haven't talked in a week.

"Until..."

"Until i felt suffocated by the attention i was getting. I didn't want him, or my friends, touching me. I didn't want to stay at his any longer." I drove home with Minhee that morning. I feel bad too because i know she wants to spend time with Jungwoo but instead she's looking after me.

"Do you ever feel like your boyfriend will hurt you the way your ex did?" He asks.

"Never. Taeyong would never hurt me like that." I shake my head.

"Why do you push him away when he gives you attention then?" He asks.

I think about it for a moment, "Because i need more time to rekindle with myself before i let us be the way we were before." I want to come to terms with the stuff Jihoon did to me, but i feel disgusting. My bruises are healing nicely, but i still have scars, and the scars remind me of what happened.

"Does Taeyong understand that this will take time. Does he force himself upon you?" He asks.

"Never. He's always been respectful if i've not wanted to do something." I love that about him.

"How about your two friends, you mentioned last week that one relies on you now." He looks up.

"Jisung. He's only nineteen. I'm okay if he touches me, he usually clings onto me for support when it comes to walking because he broke his ankle running from the guy. I'm okay with that. Sometimes it gets too much, he's big on physical contact, he hugs me a lot." I feel the need to let Jisung do it though, whatever makes him feel comfortable.

"And when you get in moods where you don't want to be touched? What does Jisung do then?"

"He's respectful of my wishes too, he will let go of me but then i feel bad because i know he's only doing it because i'm a safe space for him." It's a lose lose situation with me.

"It's seems like you've surrounded yourself with good people. How about the other one? Does he touch you?" He crosses one leg over the other.

"He doesn't really touch me. He doesnt really touch anyone. He's awkward, but he's fully aware of his surroundings and can read the room. He thinks i don't want to talk to him, he'll leave." I like that about Sungchan too, he's very aware.