When I open my eyes, after an uncomfortable night of sleeping in a hospital chair, I realise I'd fallen asleep on his shoulder. He looks tired but I'm looking at the clock, I have his schedule memorized so I'm shaking his shoulder.
"You have practice in fifteen minutes," I whisper, as I start to get up. "James, hello?"
He shakes his head, opening his eyes slowly. "Told coach it was a family emergency, I'm not going."
Oh.
I nod, awkwardly. We're both staring and no ones talking, so I do what I always do. I run away. I'm telling him I'm going to the washroom and that I'll be back but we're both unsure if I'm even telling the truth. On the way there, I'm fumbling through my phone trying to remember that one refreshing spell Isla had taught me. I'd put it in my notes but it's somewhere deep in there.
My notes app consists of a bit of everything. There's some shitty poetry that I always cringe at but never delete. Songs I hear on the radio and want to listen to later. Grocery lists and to-buy lists. There are also mini dairy entries that I've locked away because they get quite deep. I also have notes on who'll be invited to my wedding, places I want to travel to, movies I want to watch.
The wedding one is simple. I'll wear my nonna's dress because Vonnie didn't want to. Have a small wedding, a maximum of fifty people. It'll be in the spring because that's when Persephone comes home, of course. Sometimes I think that a big reason I'm obsessed with a wedding is to deal with the fact my parents never really had one, it's like I'm making it up to my younger self by making a beautiful one for myself.
As I've grown up, I've realized a lot of things I do are for my younger self. Like I'm apologizing for the shit I had to deal through back then, and sometimes still go through now.
Most of the time, I really struggle with feeling happy or even good about myself. I tend to brush achievements off or go straight to the next thing that I have in my goals, not ever letting myself celebrate or rest. When things are good and are happy, well, I just don't trust it at all. There's a part of me that feels like I shouldn't get to enjoy the happiness everyone else does, that I'm not meant for it. Life's always been good at bringing in something bad though whenever things get good, so I'm always bracing for things to worsen whenever I'm at the top of the world. And most times, when they don't, I tend to do it myself. I'm a little self-destructive when life gets too good.
(That's why Hannah Brown is my favourite Bachelorette. I know everybody gives her shit for choosing wrong, but I get why she chose Jed over Tyler. I really do.)
I'm finding a dark corridor and using the freshening-up spell. Immediately every part of my feels clean and nice, I'm feeling in from the whiplash while looking down at my clothes. I'll go home and change after I see my dad, he's still asleep right now but when he wakes up I will.
As I'm walking out looking in much better shape, I bump into someone.
"Oh fuck," I mumble, as I'm picking up their papers. "I have this thing where I get in my head and forget that anybody else . . ."
"Don't even worry about it."
Alice is smiling, looking extremely tired, but smiling. She shakes her head and takes the papers from my hand, brushing my apology off as she assures me it's alright.
"So why are you here," she asks as we start to stand up.
"Uhm, my dad."
YOU ARE READING
fundamentals of love ; james sirius potter
Fanfiction❛everything we do is just so we can be loved a little more.❜ ellie and james are heartbroken and terrible at love. but as summer begins and they find themselves constantly bumping into each other, they're both realizing they have a lot to learn a...
