fundamentals of love ; james sirius potter

29. slow it all down and just breathe

My dad had paid for a therapy session the next morning. It was double the usual price because it was a Sunday and it hadn't been scheduled at a minimum of a week in advance. I'd felt so guilty as he'd handed me the cheque but he told me to stop acting like that because just because I was legally an adult didn't mean I suddenly had to do everything alone. He was still my parent and he'd pay for all my things if I'd ask him to. But, I still felt like I had such a large debt towards him and I wondered if all children felt that way to their parents.

It was about an hour and Doctor Jay was in casual clothes for once. She was wearing some Align Joggers and a casual sweatshirt from her Alma mater, I didn't realise she'd gone to a muggle school until I was looking at Sarah Lawrence in big letters across her chest.

We'd discussed what had happened the night before, I couldn't even try and follow my contract and NDA. I told her everything over the course of the two hours and somehow, she was able to understand and evaluate it well. We'd gone over how I was feeling and what I was needing at the moment. She reassured me everything I was feeling was absolutely understandable and that believing he'd felt the same was completely expected by how we acted.

"I think that it's better for you to be alone for a little bit," she told me near the end of our session. "Ellie, being able to be independent and do things alone is a very important skill in life. You're still trying to develop that and I think this stage in your life will be challenging, but it'll be very good for you."

"No relationships," I'd asked.

Doctor Jay nodded. "Here's the things about the fundamentals of love, Ellie. I know people say it to death, but it really is true," she leaned in as if she was telling me the secret to the universe. "You really do need to love yourself first to form the most meaningful relationships and give your partner what they need."

When she was walking me out, helping me soothe my anxiety, she'd told me that maybe this was perhaps a good thing because now I could fully focus on my own growth for now. When love comes again into my life again, maybe I could give it a chance, but for now, I needed to learn to live with myself as terrible as that sounded.

As I'm waving goodbye, I'm realising how much I cling to female figures in my life. It's not just even Doctor Jay, I'm thinking of Fran who calls once a week, my nonna, my aunts. I get attached to them too easily.

"Thanks for everything," I say, pretending like there aren't tears falling from my eyes. "I know it hasn't been perfect lately, but I still love you and appreciate everything you've done for me, Dad. You're the best."

My dad shakes his head, giving me a hug with one arm while the other holds my suitcase. "Don't even worry about it," he whispers when my head is buried into his shoulder. "I'm really excited for you, kid. I'm glad you're finally able to do something you love, nothing's ever made me so happy. Go to the moon and back for me, alright?"

I'm sitting in the Peru Wizarding Ministry because I've gotten here an hour too early. My large suitcase is beside me and my backpack is on my lap, I'm scrolling through my phone pretending as if I have something to do because I find it embarrassing when people look at me as they pass by. If I pretend I'm busy then the embarrassment isn't as bad.

Sunil is at practice so he hasn't replied to my epic cup pong where I managed to get five cups in one play. He'll tell me I cheated when he sees it, and I'll tell him to go to hell, and the cycle will reverse when he suddenly becomes insanely good at it and I'll totally heckle him.

There's a small radio playing in the background, I tune my ear to listen closely and quickly regret it moments later. They're commentating on a quidditch game and though I don't understand the language, I can instantly pick up the words Chudley Cannons and Potter. It's as if I'm being haunted by my past wherever I go.