Rise or Crumble (Pete Davidson AU)

8.

I kept away from everyone the next few days as much as I could while still doing my job as a roadie. It wasn't a matter of being angry or upset so much as overwhelmed. Sophie and Ana said they wanted nothing to do with this vendetta Chloe had with me, Pete apologized very kindly and I believed him. And then I wanted him to kiss me, but that was the very last thing on my mind for the sake of not completely losing it. There was also the cõke and Colson screaming in my face.

This was all in one night that would have been a lot for any average person to deal with. At least most of the emotions to work through were positive ones, which left me worrying about mine and Colson's situation the most. It got me to start writing though, not being able to tell anyone about certain events without causing more chaos I turned to a long lost friend, my notebook. Inside consisted of poems and songs when writing in a journal style proved to not be of any benefit to me. I'd end up in a rabbit hole of feelings and how I felt about feeling that way. All of it turned into a terrifying mess.

My last entry was nearly four months back, around the time where I was convinced that the Cosette everyone wanted me to be and the real Cosette were two different people. Right before I hit rock bottom. It was hard to read back now, not only because of how disturbing it was, but the girl writing it was so sad and lonely, alienated from the entire world. Even though I was that girl it seemed like I was reading about someone else's life, maybe I was still sad a lot of the time and kept a lot of secrets to keep my loved ones at ease, but I wasn't lonely. Of all the emotions and all their definitions, loneliness had to be the worst.

That's why writing songs was the better option for me.  They could be oddly specific and ambiguous all at the same time.  It made me feel better knowing someone out there could relate to me the way I did to my favorite songs.  Except Colson was the only one who was ever allowed to hear what I put together.  I didn't think like that anymore, lately being an open book with my thoughts and often over sharing.

I opted out of standing backstage for a handful of their shows, since leaving California we were in a new state everyday, there might have not been a lot to really see around the venue spots but I've been walking around to try and appreciate the new surroundings.  Usually the end goal was to at least find a pretty spot to sit and scribble on some paper.

Today we were in Oregon and it was stunning.  My attention was currently distracted by the sun beginning to set over a lake that I had been lucky to find.  The grass was a lot greener than it was in Cleveland, the blades tickled the back of my bare thighs.  My fingertips brushed against the earth again and again and I could help but notice how good I felt.  Well, better than the last several months.

The psychiatrist had informed me and my family that it would take a bit for the medication to work the way it's meant to.  That the numbing mood blockers would slowly balance out enough to properly regulate the chemicals in my brain that made me go from one intense emotion to the other.  And though we were all warned that I would never be completely normal, whatever that meant, again, there was going to come a time that I would be just, okay.  If tonight was any indication of how it would feel to not be numb anymore, it made me hopeful.

Since avoiding without meaning to I figured I'd share some of my happiness with the boys by doing something nice.  Stuffing my notebook into my bag and throwing it over my shoulder I took a moment to stand up and look at what was around.  Being in the middle of a popular city there wasn't a shortage of stores and people, everything was still lit up well so it didn't make me nervous to walk around by myself.  Although if Colson knew about it he'd be less than pleased.

I entered one of the corner stores, the sudden brightness of the fluorescent lights stung my eyes and I quickly hid down a random aisle so I wasn't standing out in the open looking lost.  This place had everything I needed for the most part, which was junk food and non alcoholic sugary drinks.  The hardest part was looking through their movies and singing something worth buying seeing that convenient stores weren't known for their vast DVD collection.  I managed to find a handful of cheesy 80s Horror movies which were a guilty pleasure of mine anyway.