Admit Defeat (TMR fic 2)

Chapter 53

The next day is, if possible, worse. I'm less delirious, so I'm awake for most of the day. We change my bandages again, but I can't tell if the burns look better or worse. They are pretty bad, big white blisters rising from angry red skin, blood lacing it all, but maybe that's how burns always heal.

I think my lungs are recovering from the smoke, though. It's good – we're leaving at sunset whether or not Thomas is back. We don't have time to wait any longer.

Newt is irritable at the thought of going without Thomas, so I alternate between silently keeping him company and keeping out of his way.

It turns out Brenda is good entertainment, and we get along well. Our conversations dash between the trivial and the deep without any sort of rhythm, and I realize I don't care what I tell her.

I used to try and protect myself from manipulation by tightly gripping onto my true thoughts and feelings. I tried revenge, flaming and hot, and found it empty.

Maybe it's time I change.

"Ash?" Brenda snaps her fingers in front of my face and I jolt a bit.

"Sorry. What?"

"I asked you where you came from, but you were too busy zoning out."

I roll my eyes. "I don't remember." That's not strictly true, but the parts of my past that I do remember aren't much to go by. "What about you?"

Brenda shrugs. "I've just always lived with Jorge. He's the closest thing to family I have. We got sent here when we got the Flare."

It's my turn to ask something, so I throw out a random question. "What are you afraid of?"

"Going crazy," she answers without a heartbeat's hesitation. "I can feel the disease itching in my brain, sometimes. And seeing all those Cranks in the city..." She shudders.

How many of those Cranks died in the fire? Did some of them escape to the tunnels? How many people did I kill??

"What about you?" Brenda asks, tipping her head. "What are you scared of?"

"I don't know. Being controlled, maybe?"

She smirks. "Or falling in love."

I huff and stand up. I won't hang out with someone who just wants to tease me. Instead I make my way back to Newt, who is clenching his jaw and running his fingertips up and down the ridges of an empty aluminum can from our last meal.

I sit down next to him. "Hey."

He nods, and we silently lean against each other, being what little support we can. He starts humming gently, and when I nudge him he sings aloud.

You go sleep with the fishes
There's no room for you here
There's no room for you here
Wrap your teeth around the pavement
Cause your body's a message
Send my regards to hell

Fall upon your knees, sing:
"This is my body and soul here"
Crawl and beg and plead, sing:
"You've got the power and control"
Don't pin it all on me
Don't pin it all on me...

His voice makes me relax as I close my eyes and rest.

"I love you, you know," I say when he falls silent. "That's why I'm still here."

"I know," he says, brushing my hair back with a gentle hand. "I love you, too."

I wish Chuck was here. He'd make fun of us or something. Maybe flop on us in a tangle of arms and legs. I miss him, miss his laughter and his smile. The world was less dark with Chuck, but all the playfulness and innocence had died with him.

"Do you think people still..." I pause, trying to figure out what I'm even saying, "live? Like... laugh, and fall in love, and cry, and grow up?"

He kisses my temple. "I did all of that, and probably in that order."

"I know," I say, opening my eyes and looking into his. "But it wasn't right. We grew up too quickly. We didn't ever laugh enough, and... our tears were more real than they should have been."

"And falling in love?" he asks, raising an eyebrow, waiting to see how I judge that.

I kiss him this time, on the lips. "It would be perfect," I say, my heart sinking with sadness as I think about it. "Perfect, if it wasn't for WICKED, or the ever-present threat of death, or the fear that we'll hurt each other."

He nuzzles me with a soft smile. "Then it is perfect. We're not letting WICKED control our hearts anymore, you know. And we've survived this far. So it is perfect, because I know that you'd never hurt me, and I'd rather die than hurt you."

I'm not sure I agree. He's pretending he solved all of the problems, leaving only a blissful romance. But if I can't fix them either, maybe I can just ignore them. Ignore them, and simply be in love.

"I'd tell you to get a room," Minho's bored voice says, interrupting another kiss, "but we don't have any available. Unfortunately."

I laugh loudly.

"Now that's a sound I didn't expect," Minho says, smirking at me. I feel the overwhelming urge to throw my shoe into his face.

"She laughs quite often, actually," Newt says, "but your bloody face is so shucking ugly it makes her sad whenever she can see you."

I bark with laughter again, the sound chasing away the numbness in my heart.

~~
A/N: I can't believe this is the first chapter I've quoted Blame in, it's one of my favorite Bastille tracks (tho the song doesn't start until like a minute into the video, just so you know).