America the poor: A Wanderers Tale, Volume One

CHAPTER 41:A Heartbroken Stalker's story, and my Future's End

Throughout all these various events, my crazy adventures with Joseph, weirdness at school, and eccentricities of my family at home, I never once forgot my obsession with Cee. Maybe it would have been far better if I had been able to utterly erase her memory, since unrequited love is the worst bane unwanted males can ever have in this sad life. This damns us the most, as it ended up cursing me for the rest of my tragic life.

With my unique intelligence, and my obsession, I knew many things I probably shouldn't have ever known, and I should have been able to resist my chemistry. I was the worst kind of long distance stalker, one who should have known better, but did not. Cee didn't really damn me, I damned myself in the end. The blame lies with me obviously.

As with many stalkers, information and obsessiveness was my real power, and my downfall as well. My curse was my single-mindedness, and always knowing way too damned much.

To be honest, almost 40 years later, I haven't a clue as far as how I researched my facts, but back then, I was beyond determined. This was the very early 80s, and although computers were rare, and the internet didn't really exist, I was very talented in my own particular way. Between newspaper articles, phone books, phone calls, etc, I was able to figure out certain matters necessary for my personal obsession and my eventual damnation.

I discovered my own methods to find out everything I needed to know, and got the information with whatever means available to me at the time, via any resource I could access. I knew her school, her full name, and found out the exact date and location of her prom. Surely the beginning plot of a psychotic thriller, if there ever was one.

I knew it was all wrong, she never gave a crap about me, yet I was a slave to my chemistry all along. We are organic beings after all, and technically yes we have choices technically speaking , yet love is something completely irrational.

Love is a legitimate form of insanity, and I was a total victim of it, a slave if you will. This emotion overwhelms the rational brain that makes logical and rational decisions, and logical thoughts were long out the friggin door for me at that point.

I was a mere passenger to my passion. I loved Cee, by every human definition, according to my own overwhelming chemistry, even though she ignored me at literally every turn.

She read my letters of utter devotion, and never answered, not even once. Her mistake, but also very much mine. Rejection would have probably helped, but I never got a single response from her, and my chemistry remained unsatiated. Maybe if I would have had an actual rejection from her, I could have sadly moved on, unhappy of course, but with an actual answer, maybe real closure, I had none. So insanity was the order of the day.

By God I wanted her badly, and nothing would stop me from stalking her, and being there at her prom, though I was very much unwelcome. I was obviously delusional. Nothing I could have ever done would have changed the reality.

Her prom was at the Executive Hotel, in Cheektowaga, NY, a mere 30 minutes bus ride from Downtown Buffalo, and when the time came, that's exactly what I did, as crazy as it was. Cee would never want me. By her silence, she made it quite clear, yet I didn't give a crap at that point.

I was no longer a rational being; And no longer strictly in charge of my body, my chemistry made all my decisions at that point, completely irrational as they were. Was I actually insane? I was by any legal definition. At the time I was merely a slave, and a mere passenger, although my rational part took the full blame for it all in the end. The entire time my rational side told me to turn back, yet I didn't.

With my dangerous obsession, I took the bus to the Executive hotel, and the consequences be damned! I'd somehow make CEE be aware of who I was, and how I wanted her, period. Maybe against all odds, she would truly see me, and succumb somehow to my will? Such was my insanity in 1983 as a love stricken insane 13 year old boy.