✞𝐺𝐼𝑅𝐿 𝑂𝐹 𝑅𝑂𝐺𝑈𝐸✞

"𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑛𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑠"

Megan Fox

I remember learning about Schrodinger's cat....the cat that was neither alive nor dead and thats exactly how I was now. I laid motionless in the bed....feelings drifting away...my emotions were all over the place. A single tear fell down my eyes. Wrapping my cold naked body in the silk pink sheets I tried to place my feet on the floor.

"Shit..." the floor was ice cold, stumbling but somehow gaining balance I got hold of my vanity table and pulled out the fuzzy chair that my mom had gifted me on my 17th birthday.

Before I could carefully lower my body onto the chair it slipped and I fell onto the hardwood floor.

"Fuck...ugh" I think I might have broken my tailbone. My body was now officially dead.

Finally I pulled myself up and this time I was successful in sitting in the chair. Cold wind blew through my curtains, touching my face...leaving gentle kisses. Something I wasn't used to.

I was happy my mom had night shift yesterday and my little brother Dalton was dropped off at his babysitter's...otherwise I wouldn't have gotten away with the rough night I had yesterday.

Nate was angry yesterday...He saw me and max talk, to say he took it out on me yesterday night would have been an understatement.

Why am I letting this.....why am I letting this happen, my thoughts were fuzzy I couldn't think clearly. I looked at my reflection on the mirror...it reflected  a specimen of something that was breathing but dead. The bruises on my neck was even more darker and red. Nate loves me , I know it.....or at least he used to, was I trying to convince myself..... I don't know , he wasn't like this at all when we first met. He was this sweet , caring boyfriend who took care of me...with whom I had meaningful talks in the night. Who took me out for sweet dates.But after a few months his whole character changed, it was like the Nate that I knew was just a façade that was put on to mask the real him. Now he wanted me for only his drunk nights when he couldn't find some other girl. When he was feeling stressed or angry at something he took it out on me..as if I was the reason for all of it.

I looked at the messy bed sheets that was sprawled here and there..the white sheets were now stained with blood and what not. I reached down and touch myself to feel nothing as I was still numb and sore over there. I held onto the side of my vanity to support myself.

It was already 7 in the morning and I had to get dressed and shower. Sometimes I wish I never even met him, never gave him a chance, never let myself trust him, never let him raise his hand.

But I let it all happen, I dug this hole and I was lying dead inside it.

At the time when we were starting to date and whenever I felt insecure with my cheerleading and with my form Nate would say that I was beautiful inside out.But now he hated it when I gained a little weight or when I binged eat during my period. I didn't want him to feel ashamed of me so I stopped eating like I used to and started working out even more, that has helped me till now, but what would happen when I grew older and gained weight or had more stretch marks.

Why would he want to be with someone else when I loved him.

By now I was fully sobbing and my eyes were all bloody red, wiping my tears away I went to the bathroom, I was feeling exhausted and my neck still hurt from his activities last night. Turning on the shower, I let the warm water trickle down my body.

Leaning on the bathroom wall, I breathed in and out inhaling in the warm vanilla scent of my body wash. I thought how it would have been if things were completely different..if Nate still loved me like he used to do, how we could have had babies , a beautiful house by the village side , take our kids for horse riding in the barn every weekend , get organic fruits and finally have a beautiful Sunday date night. But no he didn't want that...then what did he want...how long was he gonna keep on doing this. Cheat on me, beat me  and then sleep with me the next day as if nothing happened.It was strange what desire would make foolish people do.