Heavy Heart | Bucky x Steve

Chapter 1: Steve Rogers

It had long turned dark outside and the pub in which they have been sitting all evening is slowly starting to empty out. Being far from closing time still, Sam orders another round for the two of them.

'Same as before?' He asks. Bucky nods and before long, two glasses of beer are put in front of them.

They had found a quiet spot in the back to talk, away from too many prying ears because, being Avengers, sensitive topics are bound to be discussed. And that was exactly what Bucky had expected to be talking about when Sam invited him out for a drink. He imagined there was another mission of utmost importance that he was needed on but that clearly wasn't the case. So far, they have been chitchatting about Sam's latest duties as Captain America, Sarah's business, and a little about how Bucky has been doing.

To his own surprise, Bucky really seemed to enjoy Sam's company. It has been a while since they last saw each other and Bucky feels he truly needed this.

'You know, I heard something a while back that I imagine might interest you too,' Sam says with a smirk before gulping his drink.

Bucky raises his eyebrows in anticipation, wondering if they'd finally get to talk about work. 'Go on.'

'I heard from a little birdie that they're getting a new generation of Avengers together.'

At this, Bucky frowns. 'Oh, hell no.' His mind instantly goes back to John Walker and the absolute horror him being "Captain America" had been.

"No! No, no, no, it's not like that because, guess what,' Sam puts on his smug face to continue his speech, 'I get to supervise the recruitment. And ... I would like you to join me.'

'No, you don't.' Bucky smiles at the thought but knows Sam is only offering because he has to. 'Besides, I'm hardly a new generation.'

Sam isn't having any of this. 'I'm serious, Buck. It'd be nice to have another established Avenger help out with saving this legacy. To have you on this journey would be an honour.'

Bucky takes his beer and they sit in silence for a little while. The silence comforts Bucky because he honestly isn't sure if he wants to take on too much responsibility in the Avengers department, especially since he hasn't been over the Winter Soldier business for too long. At this contemplation, Sam's silence feels like a hopeful one. He is more than serious about wanting Bucky with him on this. There is no one he'd rather have. No one still alive, that is.

'Look, I'll think about it,' Bucky finally says with a smirk. 'But don't get your hopes up, I'm a busy man, too. I'm sure there are other people who would love to help you out. Take that spider boy, for example, I'm sure he'd be over the moon.'

'Yeah, I'm sure he would be. Tony really loved that kid.' Another silence falls. They have often discussed Steve but never the deaths of the other Avengers. Tony. Natasha. They were never as close to them as they were to Steve but it still hurts to think about. The thought alone makes Bucky feel responsible for saving the Avengers' legacy but he still doubts if he is up for the task.

Sam is the first to speak again since Bucky's mouth stays glued shut. 'I missed you. I would like to have you by my side. I'm sure Steve would have wanted that as well.'

He puts his hand on Bucky's arm and gives it a little tug. As it lingers there, Bucky's stomach turns unexpectedly. At first, he can't quite place the cause. Maybe it is the alcohol, though he doubts a couple of beers would do him in that quickly. He quickly figures it is the mention of Steve that makes him feel this way, rather than the drinks. Whenever someone talks about him, Bucky's head spins and things stop making sense.

He makes a move to get up but then doesn't and Sam looks worriedly at the suddenly white face of his friend. 'You good?'

His hand is still touching Bucky's arm. The right one. The touch burns on his bare skin. His head is burning up too. And before Sam could ask anything else or Bucky could gather his thoughts, his lips are on Sam's, tasting the same beer he has been drinking all evening. More than he had needed Sam's company, he needed this: lips on his own, hands anywhere on his body, and someone to be held by.

However, he knows well enough Sam isn't the solution for that.

When he finally pushes Bucky off, Sam's face is surprised, his upper lip slightly pulled up in disgust. 'Okay, Bucky. I'm not sure how much more you've had tonight,' he puts aside his glass, 'but I hope you know I don't swing that way. And I didn't think you did either.'

Bucky is still processing what he has just done before he says: 'Yeah. I know, I'm sorry. I don't know what that was.'

He makes another move to get up but Sam gently pushes him back on the chair. 'Hey. Talk to me. You good? Didn't you have a thing for my sister?' Mumbling, he adds: 'Not that I ever approved of that ...'

'Yeah. No. Just drop it.' He is going to blame it all on the alcohol, which isn't even a complete lie. Alcohol could make him feel weird after a large number of glasses, a number he is nowhere near yet.

Bucky wishes Sam would just shut up and let him leave but he doesn't. In fact, whatever Bucky has been feeling was aggravated once his friend opens his mouth again. 'Can I ask you something?' No reply. 'Steve ... Steve wasn't just ... was he? Is that why?'

It stings to have Sam guess so closely to the truth, especially since he is already feeling terribly vulnerable. But he realizes that, this time, he might do more damage by staying quiet. For once, he has a chance to empty all he has been keeping to himself all these years and drink off the memory of ever talking about it. He figures Sam will surely make a fool out of him, if not worse. But sometimes, the heart desperately needs to spill.

'Yeah.' When he finally answers, his throat sounds rough, as if about to cry.

Sam looks slightly bewildered at this confirmation. 'Since when? How? Buck, you could have told me there was something like ... that. Between you two.' He gulps down the rest of his beer and gestures to the waiter to bring two more.

'It's a long story.'

'The pub isn't closed yet.'

Bucky doesn't need to be pushed any more. He needs to get this off his chest. Just this once. Tomorrow, he might finally be able to forget all about it.

'Buckle up, Sam. You're about to hear how truly miserable my love life has been.'

The waiter sets down two glasses in front of them but many more are about to follow as Bucky takes his painful but necessary trip down memory lane.