Heavy Heart | Bucky x Steve

Chapter 3: Til The End Of The Line

'So ...' Sam begins the conversation again.

'So, as you experienced first-hand, the reunion wasn't exactly the most affectionate. This is one of those parts of my life that is the hardest to talk about.' Bucky stays silent for a while and so does Sam. He already knows a lot about Bucky's time as the Winter Soldier but he never quite understood what it must have felt like to start remembering everything again.

'Steve calling my name was the first thing that took me back to who I really was, temporarily, though. Again proving he's not the type of person easily forgotten. I know most of America would agree with me on that. No pressure but those are tough shoes to fill.'

Sam chuckles. 'Oh, I'm aware!'

'You're already doing great,' Bucky assures before continuing. 'Apparently, I wept like a child when my memories came flooding back in. But then they got stolen from me all over again and it was the most painful experience.

'Though maybe more painful was the fact that after all those years, we reunited as enemies. Despite the fact that we long made up, it still hurts to think about. Not being myself when we saw each other again ... the shame is still with me.'

'But he never really saw you as his enemy, did he?' Sam asks. 'Hell, I thought him a fool for wanting to rescue your ass! But no matter what, I would always trust Steve and if he trusts you, I got no choice but to have his back.'

'Yeah, you really hated my guts back then,' Bucky grimaces.

Sam laughs. 'Back then? What makes you think it changed?'

Bucky gives him a playful punch to the arm. 'I appreciate you taking Cap's side back then. It was nice getting to fight side by side for the first time.'

'So, what exactly happened in Siberia? I've heard part of the story but it's always kept me wondering.'

'Well,' Bucky sips from his drink. 'It certainly wasn't pretty.

'When Tony joined, I was wary, like, I definitely didn't trust him. Especially not around Steve. And it was all fine until ... I suppose it must come as a shock to find out your best friend's other best friend killed your parents.

'Naturally, Steve wouldn't let him kill me. Even if we hadn't been friends in the past, I know he wouldn't have let him. He's not like that. Or so I thought. When he nearly killed Tony then and there, I wasn't sure if he was the same man anymore, my Steve. But I figured I'd be willing to do anything for him and I wasn't exactly in the best place to judge.'

'From what I heard, Tony was damn lucky to have that suit. Steve went rogue on him, though that was to be expected after everything he went through to protect you.'

Bucky leans back into his chair, hoping to sink in it and disappear. Aside from the war and the countless assassinations, this is another thing he hasn't been able to stop feeling guilty about.

'Of course, I felt honoured having Steve fucking Rogers stand by my side no matter what. But-'

'You felt like you didn't deserve it?' Sam's gaze speaks volumes, a silent understanding of how Bucky feels like everything people have done for him wasn't worth it. How he wasn't worth it.

'Part of me,' Bucky starts after thinking for a little while, 'was just so happy when Steve picked me. And I still didn't fully understand why, you know. I kept wondering if I was truly grateful or just selfish.'

'Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe he did all that for you because he had similar feelings? Like, deep in his heart? Don't get me wrong, I would also pick Steve, always. But maybe him turning on Tony like that meant it was different.'