She's not afraid (One Direction/Selena Gomez)

chapter 27

I see Zayn just as he approaches me, my steps ceased alongside with my heart. Thoughts are too tangled, too messy to perceive anything but resentment.

"Juliet?" Zayn asked in a soft voice, as if fearing that loudness would do me harm.

He reaches for me, but I flinch away from his touch. His hand falls to his side and I look straight into his eyes. His expression fades into one of confusion and worry. Shake of my head in disappointment is almost invisible, before I gaze behind him, finding Harry's gaze on me. I make eye contact with him, his brow scrunched in perplexity. My vulnerable and broken state must be very obvious on my face.

"Just don't!" I snap at them coldly, stomping past them.

Somehow I broke out of the luxury confines of the castle walls, and stumble upon small green hill with narrow graveled trail. The dark sky is enough ominous and murky to be in a perfect harmony with my haunting emotions. The crunch of gravel beneath my feet is somewhat calming and the throbbing in my thigh welcoming.

Eventually I reached the top and sit down on the grass. From this leisure swell in the vast land I can see trees surrounded one part of the castle, like great armies defending their fortress. Far down, the river sings a song of warning with its mist that lazily swirls about its stream; its lyrics speaks of a doom to the enemy of this breathtaking castle. I look up at the sky. The closest clouds are smoky gray, but between the cracks I can see another layer that is for a tint lighter color. Gradually tiny rain drops crash with my skin, yet I'm at peace with brooding sky. I close my eyes, losing myself in thoughts.

...How can I be so stupid? How did I let them fool me so profoundly? How did I ever believe them, when they told me that I'm somebody that I'm special? Am I that heartbroken because I saw Zayn with another girl or because Harry can have sex with another girl, but refuses me? That knowledge is quite humiliating. How could I let this happen, falling so deeply? I should have known better, I should have known...my grandpa was right, I am too nice, too caring and it'll be only me who'll end up hurting...wow...how quickly life can change, when you let somebody in, and when you lie to yourself that you're worth something...what should I do with all this emotions? I don't know how to get rid of them. I never felt like this before and it's terrifying, because I don't know if I can cope with them without losing myself...

I sigh, as the rain becoming heavier, slowly soaking me to the bones, while breeze swirls around my head. Rationally I know that the temperature must be low yet I can't feel it. I shake my head. I need to concentrate to find a way out of this haunting emotions.

...I can't drown myself in self-pity, because my life isn't that bad...No, I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, I'm not that important, so I can't be broken anymore. Beside I shouldn't blame them for not loving me, because they don't know how to. They were raised in a world where first rule is kill or to be killed. In the world where love is weakness, empathy greatest enemy, and remorse deepest betrayal...I'm determinate that from now on everything in my world would be about and for my family, so I can't be afraid anymore...

With fresh outlook I stand up, take deep breath and walk back into the castle, completely confident. As soon as I come inside onto one of many similar looking hallways, I see guys approaching me. I purse my lips and slowly gaze at them, suddenly my brain have nothing left.

"Juliet are you all right? We were so worried. The guards said that you were on the hill, what were you doing out there in the rain?" Louis's words were rushed, anxiety coloring his tone.

I can only stare, because whatever abounding amount of confidence I had earlier has now been ripped apart, creating an inner battle of anger, pain and confusion.