Back and forth|Jxdn

34💙

Emily's pov

Silence

That's all i can hear or it might be just a fatigue in my ear drums. They say silence is peaceful and I agree, but it's deadly. Being a dark-thinker is the enemy of silence because it will end up swallowing you in a really dark hole. Sitting here in the cab i called a few minutes ago watching the rain droplets race down the window while being so engrossed in my mind and how i ended up like this makes me so emotionally exhausted. All i can hear is the muffled sound of cars moving around us in the busy streets of LA. It still haven't been past the afternoon but it has gotten pretty dark by now, rain showering the streets and the cars.

As i was walking down the dead road to find the cap, the sky started roaring indicating that rain was soon to start falling. I ended up getting soaked from head to toe but it didn't matter, it got mixed up with my salty tears anyway, indeed it felt the sky was trying sooth the pain i was feeling in my chest

But it was not working.

I felt broken, traumatized even. It feels like whenever i get to run from my past issues they come back bitting my ass. Hard. I thought i finally found my peace of mind by forgetting the past and focusing on myself, to do that I sacrificed my personal comfort but i got hurt really bad in reflex. Forgiving Adam was a decision everyone was against but regardless what everyone thought i did it to please myself, or just to stay civil with him. Deep down i knew i just didn't want to lose him, still denying he can be that toxic low key. It feels like my beliefs have all turned upside down, or i was just naive this entire time.

Sitting in the back seat of the cab, i had my elbow on the car door, resting my chin on my fist and looking outside the window, feeling some tears still fighting to fall. My eyes sting already from the amount of breakdowns i had while walking down the empty road and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if i looked at the mirror and came to meet a pair of puffy eyes and pink stained cheeks, looking like absolute shit. All the boundaries i had set for myself are now broken and that all started when i walked pathetically sobbing down the road, alone and broken, something i promised myself not to ever do.

As i saw the driver turning the corner to a familiar street, I tried padding my fingertips under my eyes to feel my swollen eye bags, feeling pathetic. I try swallowing my emotions at least just to survive my arrival at home.

Home.

That's all i need. I feel physically and mentally drained that all i want to do is crawl in bed and cry myself to sleep, obviously preparing myself to welcome my nightmares back. Adam didn't just live in my fears only, but my dreams too and i only got rid of them a couple of months ago. I was still battling to erase him from my past at the time, but i can clearly see how that turned out. At least I wouldn't feel like a walking mess roaming around in tears with no where to shield myself from this cruel world. I need to find familiarity and comfort, though I'm still doubting ever feeling the comfort for a long time from now on.

The taxi cab eventually comes to a halt and that indicates I'm right in front of my house. I weakly open the car door and step out under the rain again. I gave the driver the money he needed and he gave me a sympathetic smile which made me nod and turn around. He must have heard me sniffing at the back seat as my nose got runny due to my crying but thankfully he didn't ask me about it. I hurried to the shield of my front door, even though I didn't mind the rain soaking my body, it actually gave me some type of relief. There's something about the water pouring all over you that's so soothing and calm. That's why I take so long taking my showers, i just stand there letting the shower head pour water over my head, feeling the water run down my back so smoothly.

Water, to me, symbolizes peace. The way it feels and how refreshing it is makes me feel at ease, joy even.

As I reached my door step, i opened my handbag to search for my keys. Peeking down inside my handbag, i dived my hand inside to try and find my keys.