Uncertain Times

Chapter 7: In My Feelings, Again?

So, this is what all those Breddy fanfics are talking about.

After yet another month of cohabiting with Brett, Eddy gradually came to this conclusion.

The last month altogether was quite emotional for Eddy. Ever since the drunk incident, feelings started to creep upon him whenever they do anything together, be it filming videos, tidying up the apartment, watching films, playing games and/or nerdying out about classical music. Recalling upon the times where they could just hang out without experiencing butterflies in his stomach was...distant.

Eddy wouldn't even say it's a "feeling realisation" moment - he knew he always liked Brett. I mean, who doesn't? Yet...

It just...became more. More visceral, more ambivalent, more emotional...

More...everything.

It's as if he had always been colour-blind in a specific way. Life without this feeling for Brett was orderly, simple and fun. It's everything that it's supposed to be. As of now, however, every instance of Brett's presence in Eddy's life becomes enlivened with fireworks, blushes, racing hearts and dilated pupils.

When they're sharing the working space in the living room, Eddy becomes hypersensitive towards Brett's movements and actions even when he's fully concentrated on his work at hand. Eddy would force himself not to turn around instantly when Brett gets up for a cup of water or some snack, but he'd be thrilled if he's able to steal some crisps off Brett's packet: the gesture of getting closer to Brett and hearing the sound of his breath, or even feeling the skin on Brett's hand for half a second was already so rewarding. If they're working separately, Eddy would always trying to bring up something to Brett, just so he could divert Brett's attention to his direction, or even just to make him laugh.

Needless to say, Eddy's heart leaps when Brett needs anything from him. Sometimes, Brett would show Eddy a meme or a YouTube video, sometimes they'd hold zoom meetings, discussing business strategies and next steps together. There are loads of excuses for sharing food and watching stuff together with Brett - they are business co-owners, that's what they do.

Eddy had become emotionally dependent to the degree of being repugnant (though he hides the clinginess well) and he knew it.

Living life at the moment, Eddy thought, is like colouring a black and white picture. Past objects and memories started to gradually gain predominance in his mind; present minutes, even seconds, becomes more intense. Eddy started to visualise the wrinkles in the corner of Brett's eyes when he smiles, the goofy entries that Brett used to do when they were filming videos, the way that Brett's body twirling around the UNIQLO mirror when they were shopping for new clothes...lots of their outfit look way too match-y for friends, actually, come to think of it.

Maybe that's why people always joke about them being a married couple.

Eddy never knew his brain could regurgitate this much detail about one person - the "play" button in his mind is unable to turn off; memories flashing and oozing ceaselessly like videotapes in a broken VHS player. There were still "work stuff" and life for both of them to deal with, but when he's spacing out or resting, Eddy felt as if he's shattering, melting and evaporating at the same time.

Maybe this is what you're supposed to feel when you're head-over-heels in love.

Or, rather, when you're trying to "play it cool" when you know you're head-over-heels in love.

Future has never seemed so hard to navigate.

Of course, Eddy knew nothing of Brett's opinion about all this; he didn't even intend to ask at all. He felt that that would eventually make things even more awkward. Luckily, Brett seemed to be all normal. It's probably me overthinking it again, Eddy thought, it's always me anyway.