Uncertain Times

Chapter 8: Mutually Unrequited

The walk to and back from 7-11 was hazy for both of them. In the shop, they grabbed what they needed, checked out at the till separately without saying a word to each other. On the way back, they automatically kept a meter apart from each other as if they're social distancing. When they got home, they just retreated to their separated rooms and finished their Onigiris. None of them even made any sound. The entire apartment was almost dead silent.

Eddy paid more attention to the road going back home, but his mind was loud; thousands of voices echoing inside his head like the fireworks of the 4th of July. How did that happen? What did Brett do to deserve this - being kissed without consent, let alone by his best friend? Eddy seriously wished that he was possessed, but he knew he wasn't.

If you feel that the end is near, you'd definitely get everything you want out of your chest, no matter how visceral or inappropriate they are. Before a breakup, people are free to shout at each other, pack their bags and leave each others' lives forever. Never contact each other again; block each other on social media, you name it. But Brett and Eddy are not at the end yet. In fact, they're so young, SO young, and there is only infinity in front of them; their entangled paths connecting to so many, SO many possibilities - that is, before the kiss, the dealbreaker, the crack in everything.

It's both Eddy's fault and responsibility to deal with the consequence in the coming days. And honestly, he simply doesn't know what to do. He has never felt so impotent, so crestfallen, so helpless in his entire life. The 10ths in Sibelius, devilish pizzicato in Paganini or the string-crossings in Bach cannot encapsulate how he feels.

What is worse, though, is that you can't even escape from it. You can't hide away during a lockdown. Even when there's something ineffable growing between them and they both needed some distance from each other, Brett is NOT moving out. We're in a god damn pandemic, it doesn't end on the instant that Eddy decides to live on his own again. Brett moving out is not an option right now.

OH GREAT, Eddy thought, I just made an anime finale event happen 15 episodes earlier. What a way to ruin our lives.

Their cosy, safe little bubble that shelter them from the raging fire outside is slowly becoming a shutter island, and they couldn't help but feeling stranded. This apartment is simply too small for their feelings. Maybe this stupid virus is to blame: it sends people down the memory lane completely unreasonably. The world is going through a nearly apocalyptic event. If you'd watched enough movies, you'd know how it would make people confessional.

After all, how many 15 years there is in one's life?

---

Though, if Eddy thinks that he's the only one who's been divesting from the romantic tension that they both know have been existing for Heaven-knows-how-long between them, he's probably (or most definitely) wrong.

The thing is, Brett isn't the kind of person who'd dwell on emotions. Dealing with emotions isn't his forté. Instead, he's good at discovering the problem, solving it and moving on from it. When it comes to Eddy, someone Brett deemed that would always be around for probably the rest of his life, it is an unsolvable problem. So he pretends that this problem doesn't exist.

Does Brett like Eddy in a way that's slightly too much for a friend (or even a close friend) to handle?

Yes. Absolutely.

But what has been stopping them?

Everything.

Brett also divested, only consciously. Times when their eyes meet and there're quickened breathes, Brett simply looked the other away. He was never good at keeping eye contact, and then he found a better, even more valid reason to avoid it. Knowing their paths will be crossing for quite a while due to their business partnership, Brett had simply given up exploring this part of their dynamics. Friends: they stay together longer. Their friendship is pure, wholesome, transcending everything that the word carries within itself, but it is ALSO a conspicuous secret, a flower that is never allowed to bloom. What would their family say? How about their audiences? How about the heteronormative society out there?

They've sacrificed the chance of being lovey-dovey couples for stability. Brett hated the homoerotic jokes in their early days, that he couldn't even appear to be comfortable about it on camera. Pretending everything that could have happened between them, and the feelings that he constantly tries so hard to solve (if not suppress) are all comedic? That was unspeakably painful and cruel; thankfully those days ended in their rightful time. In contrast, pretending that he only likes girls are simply way more comfortable.

Lying was never the problem, it is the truth that burns like a hot stake.

A storm is coming, Brett thought, and he was not sure if he'd come out of it from the other end.

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Welcome to the endnotes!

Thanks for all your votes/kudos and nice comments, I enjoyed reading them all ♡
From the very beginning of this fic, I intended to capture their irl dynamics (the fractions that they've displayed in their videos anyway) as accurate as possible while using the pandemic as the backdrop. I intentionally used real timestamps of the pandemic, checked the weather in Brisbane etc. to make sure that they're in character. This fic is set in last year, during which they had a hiatus period when Brett was recovering from his health issues. I also decided to intentionally leave out that period as if it didn't happen: not only to pose a safe distance between reality and fiction, but also to respect their boundaries and privacy. Thought I'd just explain XD
Hope you're staying safe whenever you are, and have enjoyed reading the chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it!

xoxo, M