Uncertain Times

Chapter 3: In My Feelings

Needless to say, Itzhak Perlman didn't happen. Cleaning the apartment somehow took 2 hours, and after Eddy procrastinated and took that said shower, it was already midnight.

Eddy ruffled his semi-damp hair, turned off the light and went into bed.

Staring at the ceiling in complete darkness, Eddy suddenly realised that, technically, cohabiting isn't new for either of them at all. They'd been on world tours twice and travelling internationally on their vacations, not to mention sharing a flat in Singapore not so long ago. They'd witnessed each other packing scruffily together, 6 am in the morning, to catch that 9 am plane.

To push this even further: they'd already shared a bed - of course they have - they've known each other for 15 years. They've had high school sleepovers on each other's small double beds together when they were still living with their parents. They've had drunken party nights at Uni: leaning on each other at 2 am, tumbling through the dormitory door and flopping themselves onto the bed in the most awkward positions; they'd wake up at noon the next day next to each other in total confusion, especially for the person (usually Brett) who wakes up in someone else's ensuite. Further still, Eddy realised that them sharing a bed was even not that long ago: when that one price-friendly hotel only have double beds, they'd actually take it.

They are always close, sure, but they've also been intimate.

Why hasn't Eddy ever looked at all these from this perspective?

Or, why did he choose to normalise these moments of intimacy as if they meant nothing or, plain and simple, never happened?

How did Brett feel about them?

...

Eddy gradually fell asleep while thinking that.

He slept until 10. After he woke up, Eddy couldn't clearly remember all the thoughts that he dwelled upon the night before. Yet, he was still fidgeting with anticipation, somehow.

Walking around his tidy apartment that is even a bit unfamiliar, Eddy didn't know why he took such extreme measures cleaning it. Why did he even bother, since they've already seen the worst of each other during their busking days, when they literally slept on the street for a week?

Knowing how much they've already cohabited together - is that the reason why Brett suggested moving in together so casually over the phone yesterday? Eddy pondered with no avail.

Brett is the kind of person who, according to Eddy's standard, doesn't express his feelings enough. He'd laugh at memes and sometimes get shaky bows on stage, of course, but that's about it.

Brett is mostly impassive, Eddy concluded - when Brett is stressed or sad (which doesn't happen so often), he'd deal with it internally. Eddy could sense that grey cloud shrouding around Brett's figure when something is going on. If Eddy asks him about it, he would just express it in a sentence containing 30 words and fell to silence.

Sometimes, Brett would hide away by himself for a few hours (or, say, a day or two), then coming up to Eddy completely healed. Sometimes, Eddy would suggest doses of gaming or bubble tea, and he might see Brett's grey cloud gradually diluting in the presence of him.

Yet, it couldn't change the fact that talking it out doesn't seem to be Brett's outlet when something goes wrong. Brett is not into expressing his feelings in extensive, drawn-out passages.

Instead, Brett is concise, brief, methodical, disciplined, focused and sharp. Everything that Eddy admires.

Talking of which, Eddy often thought his own sentimentality is a bit redundant. He cries at movies; he couldn't handle break-ups and heartbreaks very well; his performance anxiety would escalate to an immeasurable level when he goes on stage at Uni, because it was a conglomeration of his innate nervousness, his fear of being nervous and his dread of being found out, in front of a thousand people, that he was nervous.

If hours in the practice room always goes to dust every time you step on stage, what is the point? You'd never properly perform. Your parents, while trying to be a little bit friendly, would still probably say "I told you so" regarding your wrong career choice. Worse still, they don't even really have to say it: you can tell how disappointed they are from the way they look at you.

Anyone would have felt defeated and shattered at this point. Unfortunately, it was about 3 times worse for the 21-year-old, hypersensitive Eddy. It crushed him to the point that he needed a whole year of talking therapy during his final year. Balancing his studying and therapy sessions felt like the little mermaid walking on knives, and Brett wasn't there - he'd already graduated and got a job in another city.

Eddy's memory of Uni is, therefore, very conflicted. A lot of good things happened, but it's still a scar that would only gradually heal in time.

Brett was one of those people, the major one, actually, that helped to piece Eddy together. They went through their awkward phases together; they'd always hang out in two so that they'd always have each other no matter what happens. Brett didn't have flawless lecture notes because, unlike Eddy, who'd try to nail too many things at once maybe a bit too often (according to himself), Brett was almost always focused on practising. Yet, Brett did have the exam questions that he got from last year, which alleviated some pressure from Eddy's shoulders.

Unlike all those soloist fake stories emphasising on the healing power within music, music, for Eddy, was the problem. Music was always demanding and out of reach. Music couldn't have cut it. If anything, it was Brett who had the healing power, and brought music back to him.

Such sheer and innocent togetherness got them through.

Now they can recurrently joke about the pressure that their parents exerted on them; they're capable of making a TIk Tok parody of their stage fright, because they've finally, mostly grown out of it.

This togetherness has only intensified after the birth of Two Set Violin. Bretty Bang Show plus Eddy Chen Violin, who would have thought that 1+1 actually equals to infinity?

They are marching towards a future where they're almost inseparable.

...

Just when Eddy was immersed in their collective memories, the bell rang.

It was Brett.