Uncertain Times

Chapter 6.5: A Nocturne on Sentimentality

After putting the violin back into his case as instructed by grandpa Brett, Eddy turned around, facing Brett with a tiny grin. He gazed straight into Brett's eyes. Since Brett somehow already detected Eddy's emotional fluctuations, it was okay for Eddy to be a bit more dependent and intimate with Brett at this moment.

With Eddy's impassioned gaze, something in Brett's jet-black eyes melted in response. Is it possible to feel the warmth ebbing out from a gaze?

But it must be, because...

Eddy felt it.

At that mesmerising moment, Brett glided closer to Eddy and pulled him into a gentle embrace.

Eddy snuggled his face in-between the tip of Brett's hair and his neck. He could feel the fluctuation of Brett's chest when he breathes; the rhythm of heartbeat and Brett's body heat and slowly calmed him down.

Brett still smelt like shampoo and soap. Eddy inhaled, quietly but voraciously, holding Brett even closer.

Brett knew that he was off and approached him with utmost deliberation; Brett also sensed that he probably wasn't ready to talk about his feelings, so he offered hugs and jokes to keep him company despite not knowing what's going on. Eddy knew how Brett is neither a "making eye contact" person nor touchy at all, but he's always so generous when it comes to providing Eddy with what he needs...

Even when Eddy was questioning he's feeling for Brett at the moment, Brett still is the anchor to Eddy's heart.

......

When they slowly pulled away from each other, it seemed like a century had already passed. Their hands lingered a bit on each other's back as they both sat on the edge of Eddy's bed.

"Do you ever feel that you're too thin-skinned for everything?" Eddy blurted, out of the blue.

"I think everyone kind of does from time to time, to be honest?"

"I'm talking about 'being 27 years old, having been playing for more than 20 years and still nearly getting a breakdown from an untimely string snap' kind of thin-skinned," Eddy sighed, gloomily.

Since he couldn't just straight-up say "I think I kinda like you in a more than friendly way but I'm so in denial and music didn't help me enough and I think only you could help me so please please please help me" out loud in Brett's face, he managed to find some roundabout ways to hold their heartfelt conversation.

"Well, I mean, you've already managed to fix it," Brett grinned, "and right before that, your playing was beautiful."

"You heard?" Eddy asked, only realising a second later how blatantly dumb to ask that. Of course Brett had heard, or he wouldn't have commented on it.

"Mmhmm. Your Debussy was particularly emotive today. It was kind of sad, but powerful."

Of course. Of course Brett would know. All those clumsy tale-tell signs are way too obvious for Brett's good instincts.

"Yeah ... though when I try to channel my feelings into my playing, it just sounds self-indulgent and erratic. It lacks control. No matter how much I'd enjoy the playthrough, the recording would surely sound way too amateurish ... that is, if I ever decide to record it for self-improvement or cringey purposes."

"Only it's been 5, 7 years for us to record our playings and making them into videos. So, quite a while, you mean," Brett smirked.

"Oh boy," Eddy covered his face with his palm, "it's even worse to think that I still hadn't acquired the power of emotive playing."

"I hadn't either," Brett said, firmly, "And honestly, I don't even think I'm going to achieve it soon. I mean, we've already chosen the path of making videos with our good-enough-for-mass-audience-but-never-soloist-level playing, and one can only do so much in 24 hours everyday."

Eddy didn't manage to find a response to that. So what? Shall we just be complacent, then?

As if reading Eddy's mind, Brett paused, inhaled, then started again: "But incorporate feelings into your playing IS important, or else it's just MIDI with techniques. Of course, you can execute, or even manipulate, the passage however you like if you've perfected your techniques through practice. Maybe you can ignore the pain and struggles in Beethoven's music, rearranging all his notes into something weightless and breezy like Kreisler; or, maybe, you can turn something as light and romantic as Kreisler into Shostakovich..."

Brett started speaking in those extensive, drawn-out passages as if he was still doing the Bretty Bang podcast. He trailed off, imagining having perfect techniques and how that would give him the absolute power over the composer's intentions, and how deliciously sacrilegious that can be......

"But...?" Eddy interrupted Brett's daydreaming.

"But," Brett continued, corner of his eyes bending upward, "apart from what's written on the score, you're sharing your passion, emotions, experiences and your sometimes-conflicted feelings to the audience every time you play. And that, is what constitutes individuality and personal interpretations. It's musicality. And it's always worth it to develop that side of your playing."

Eddy kept starring, simply hypnotised in Brett's expressive moment.

"Thus," Brett concluded, "your ability to feel a range of things that no one else could is exactly what makes you special. I mean...we're not going to be practising full-time anytime soon, obviously, but we do still make progress over the years. It's a lockdown. We've got nothing but time."

Eddy's heart leapt, "Yeah, I get it. But what about those *not productive* feelings that I'm unable to channel into music? It can be so pervasive sometimes."

"I guess that's only human. Do you think Beethoven didn't feel that? Well, if crying helps, we can always watch sad movies together. It seems to work for you."

Before Eddy even began to feel too exposed due to Brett's intimate knowledge of him, Brett immediately started to speak again, very solemnly:

"But first, we need to practise enough."

Truth to be told, Eddy didn't know whether to melt for Brett's explicit declaration of feelings that happens only ever so occasionally, or to laugh at how Brett just retreat into his comfort zone of impassivity in the blink of an eye. While cherishing this rare moment of Brett being eloquent like a Masterclass lecturer, Eddy couldn't help but burst into a pained laughter.

If this were a published video, Editor-san would literally put a fire emoji on their face to roast them for "not practising enough". 

"Are we able to ever practise enough, though?"

Our two musicians exchanged a familiar look. This question need not to be answered, because both of them had always known that the answer is a solid no.

Yet, somehow that sounded less scary when they've got each other.