My Understandings (Austlan Cashby)

Chapter 16

*Alan's POV*

I walked into the back lounge with my journal. It was time to update my life. I kept everything in there, from my love of cats, shows and fans, to everything Austin Carlile. I sat down on the couch, turned on my iPod, and began to write. About half an hour later, Austin walked in and plopped himself on the couch opposite me. 

"Out of all the times I see you writing in that thing and asked what's in it, you've never told me." 

I laughed and set my journal aside. "And you're never going to find out." 

"We'll see about that." He smirked, and before I knew it, I was on the ground, and my journal was in his hands. 

"Austin! No, wait! Please!" I begged.  

Too late.  

"Everything about him drives me crazy. I love him so much, but I'm scared he's going to go back to Gielle. She had him wrapped around her finger before, so why not again? Last night was the first time in a year that they saw or even spoke to each other. I wouldn't be able to stand losing him to a cheating whore, or just losing him altogether. I'm surprised he hasn't left me yet, seeing as I'm a worthless piece of shit that nobody cares about. I should've killed myself when I had the chance." He read aloud. 

Fuck. 

"Austin..." I was on the edge of tears; no one's ever read anything that I wrote in there. Now what's he going to think? 

He put my journal down and opened his arms, "Come here." He whispered. 

I walked over and cried into his chest. "Please don't leave me." I choked out between sobs. 

"I swear I won't. And Alan, you're not a worthless piece of shit, okay? You're perfect. I love you more than anything in this world. You're my everything, Alan. Never forget that." 

He pulled away and I nodded. "I love you too Austin." 

He sat down on the couch and pulled me onto his lap. "Just tell me one thing?" 

I nodded again. 

"What do you mean, 'I should've killed myself when I had the chance'?" 

I sighed and reluctantly opened up to him, "High school. Year nine. I got pushed around a lot. That and the pressure to be perfect and get the perfect grades was too much. I fell into a deep depression because of it, and I started cutting. I fell into the wrong crowd, y'know, smoking, drugs and alcohol and all that. I fell to the bottom. My grades dropped, my parents started losing hope in me, and were never around anymore. I thought I was having the time of my life, but in reality, everything was falling apart. In year eleven, though, I met a guy named Riley. He was like me; fell into a wrong crowd. He helped me out of everything, and got me back on track. Even out of my cutting and depression. The only problem was he had severe depression. He'd cut and every time it would be deeper and deeper. One day he never showed up at school. I got worried that he finally went deep enough, and he did. The one guy that had helped me through everything, and actually understood me, was gone forever. I fell back into depression and cutting. But this time it was worse. I attempted suicide once or twice. That went on until I met you and you brought me into this band. Sure, I still have depressing thoughts now and then, but it's not as bad as before. You, Austin Robert Carlile, helped save my life." 

I looked up at him after I finished, and tears were streaming out of both our eyes.  

He wrapped his arms around me tightly. "Alan, I'm so proud of you for staying strong. If you ever have depressing or suicidal thoughts, come talk to me, okay? I love you so much and I never want to lose you."  

He placed a kiss on top of my head as I cried into his chest. 

"I promise, Austin. I love you too."

[A/N: AWH Alan</3 *cries* Anyway, I'm so sorry, I promised an update over the weekend and didn't get to. I didn't expect to have to deal with some personal shit for a couple of days. So here it is now, better late than never, I guess. I'm also sorry that it's so short. I was pressed for time when I had to write this, and I'm developing a case of writer's block, so I hope it's okay.]