Uncle Cas

I know it's hard to remember

I know it's hard to remember

Castiel looked up briefly when his boyfriend walked into their shared dorm room. He smiled a little in way of greeting and returned to his battered copy of The Outsiders.

"There you are." John sighed and slumped down on Castiel's bed.

"Where else would I be on a Tuesday at three in the afternoon?" Castiel mumbled but didn't look up.

"Look, Cas." John rubbed the back of his neck. "I wanna talk."

"Hm?" Castiel finished the sentence he was on before marking the page and closing the book. "What?"

It wasn't that John never wanted to talk, it was rather the fact that he was looking quite nervous that made Castiel perk up. He leaned forward, frowning but John held up a hand to stop him.

"Don't make that face."

"But you-"

"I know." John smiled and put a hand on Castiel's knee. "I wanna be serious but it's nothing serious Cassie."

Castiel relaxed visibly. John and he were best friends turned lovers as of last year but it was all still so new and for Castiel, who had wanted John for a very long time, like an unbelievable dream. It was hard to let go of the surprise of waking up next to John.

"What is it then?"

John looked away but he was still smiling so Castiel leaned back and waited patiently.

"What do you think of Mary?"

Castiel cocked his head to the side. "Mary from American History?"

"What?" John looked confused. "Ew, no."

"What's wrong with her? She's very sweet."

"Our Mary, Cas."

Castiel rolled his eyes and laughed at his boyfriend and when John realized he was being toyed with he chuckled too. Of course Castiel knew what Mary he was talking about. Mary who was their friend. It was him and John, Crowley and his on again off again girlfriend Abaddon and, as of late, Mary and her friend Anna. They had been a steady gang all through high school and Castiel liked all of them.

"What about her?" he asked, still smiling.

John looked away again and started fiddling with Castiel's pant legs. "She's cute, right?"

"I suppose."

"Remember that porno we watched this Friday?"

Of course he remembered. It wasn't that often that they managed to get their hands on pornography. Castiel didn't really mind, all he needed was John but John liked them and the sex was always awesome. The one John was referring to had been a threesome, two men and a woman. Castiel got a sour feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"What about it?" he tried to keep his face neutral.

"Well..." John wouldn't look him in the eyes. "How certain are you that you only like guys?"

Icy tendrils. It was all Castiel could feel. They stretched from his stomach, up his chest and all the way to his heart, squeezing tight.

"Pretty sure." He stated, voice surprisingly steady.

"Oh." John gnawed at his lower lip. "That's good I guess."

The icy tendrils turned to burning flames at the disappointed look on John's handsome face. Had he wanted...? Yes, Castiel realized. He was not good enough. He wanted to scream, he wanted to hit and he wanted to cry. But oh how he loved John, still. So all he did was hug his knees and take a deep breath.

"Do you wanna try a threesome with Mary?"

John's face lit up but he desperately tried to conceal his mirth. For Castiel's sake, he supposed but somehow it made it worse. Castiel swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. John had said he was his. That they were each other's and no one else's. Still, Castiel supposed as the lump grew bigger, he could hardly blame John for anything he had said during sex. They had always been best friends and John had always known Castiel liked boys more than girls and yet it had only been last year that they had gotten around to doing anything. Perhaps, Castiel thought and managed to blink the tears away, perhaps Castiel had always been a little more invested than John.

"Only if you think it's okay." John exclaimed and jumped off the bed and Castiel seriously doubted that it mattered what he thought at that moment.

"Of course." He croaked but John didn't seem hear his tone. In hindsight, yet another sign.

"I'll go talk to her right away."

"Just..." he trailed off and John turned to actually look at him. "Just break it to her easily." He tried to smile and must have succeeded because John smiled back and bounced out the door.

Castiel lay down on the bed, curling in on himself. It would be alright he thought. Perhaps he was over-reacting. It was only a threesome after all. He wasn't being excluded, John had wanted his approval. Besides, he had always known that John was bisexual and there was nothing wrong with that. So he wanted to experiment a little, what did that matter? He had said Castiel was his and Castiel believed that. He trusted John, he would never betray Castiel. He loved him, he had said so and Castiel believed him. He had to.