Uncle Cas

Or whatever you call it

Or whatever you call it

Castiel sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. The last week had been rough. Nora had given him some time off to recuperate from the travel and to get back into his life here in Lawrence and he was gladder than ever that he had agreed. That the time had been spent drinking and sleeping, however, was not something he was proud of.

He had only been at the Winchesters' once after that god-awful dinner and it had been to return Dean's back-pack. John had noted his state of hangover but Castiel had explained it off as jet lag even when he knew John could smell the rum on his breath. John had accepted the excuse though but when Castiel had refused his dinner-invitation in favor of stumbling out to his car he had gotten a frown in return. Still, John had said nothing and Castiel was immensely grateful for that.

How could he tell John that he couldn't stay for dinner because he feared Dean would be there? He hadn't talked to Dean in the last week and couldn't start now. Not after what had happened in the car and certainly not after what he had discovered when he had opened the teen's phone. He knew he shouldn't have and it shamed him but he had gotten a nagging feeling in the back of his head when Dean had said Castiel had been the one to pull him back into their dance. He had at first thought Dean had meant figuratively, perhaps by just being too close to the young man - and fucking encouraging him in the car by leaning closer, really Castiel?! - but then he had remembered something, far back in his mind.

He had been drunk that time. Much more drunk than now and homesick and Dean had been the one on his mind. Castiel remembered that now. Dean. Not John. The implications made his stomach churn.

He had gone through his phone but the imagined call had been too far back, he supposed. So he had gone to Dean's phone and hoped that perhaps Dean didn't use his as much as Castiel used his. What he had found had been enough to break his willpower and for him to resort to the bottle.

Dean had saved every call and every text Castiel had ever sent him since he'd gotten the phone. The list was depressingly short in the three-year span but the fact that everyone else's call or text except the very recent ones had been erased in favor of saving place for Castiel's nonsense - picking you up at four, I'm cooking, pizza?,Sam's already home - had been something Castiel almost couldn't handle. The thought that Dean had saved them, it... it made Castiel cry, to be frank. He had done so much wrong by the kid and he didn't know if he could ever make it up. Dean shouldn't want him like this. He wasn't the man Dean deserved; he wasn't anyone.

The bottles soothed him. But when he remembered why he had been looking at Dean's phone in the first place he had sobered up enough to manage to open it again. That had been a mistake.

Even though he had no evidence left on his own phone he clearly saw the registered call on Dean's. In the middle of the night, nearly half a year ago, about the same time he had decided to prolong his stay. The call was short and Castiel couldn't remember anything about it but had a nagging feeling that it had something to do with his decision to stay in LA. The realization had made Castiel cry again and only the rum had comforted him.

Now, several days later, Castiel was beginning to realize he was being childish. Maybe Dean had the right of this? He regretted not stopping Dean from leaving his car and the memory of Dean's hurt face made his heart clench. He hadn't meant what Dean had thought, obviously. He was uncertain of his own feelings, that was all. Was Dean just a replacement for John? Castiel wanted to say no but he couldn't, not for sure.

Still, his drunk dial had been Dean, not John, and that had to count for something, right?

Castiel sighed again and heaved himself off the couch, ignoring his pounding head. Why was he even thinking about that? He was twice Dean's age and Dean had grown up with him as his uncle. It was still wrong, even if Dean technically became legal tomorrow. Dean was right about that at least; Castiel couldn't use the legality of it as an argument anymore. He would have to be honest with the boy now and how could he when he couldn't even be honest with himself?