𝐓𝐄𝐍 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐒 , w2s

7

i want to start this reason off by
saying that i haven't slept in a few nights.
i've been stressing about seeing you
in just a few days.

i'm nervous to be around you because
i don't know how i'll react.
you've been fucking with my feelings
quite a bit recently, i'll admit.

it's been, what?
nearly 11 months since i found that box?
i've gone through it every day since.

i read those letters every day.

the words have imprinted themselves in
my mind at this point.
they haunt me all throughout the day.

i haven't been myself since i read them.
people say it's noticeable, too.
i've not been as happy as usual, and i've
been zoning out at random times.

but enough about my problems.
that's not what i'm here to write
about right now.

i'm supposed to be here to
tell you why i hate you.

let's go back to a few
months after we broke up.

october 21, 2017.

a day before my 23rd birthday.

me and a few friends had gone out to
the bar that night to celebrate.

now, i don't get sick easily from drinking.

but i had had quite a few drinks.
then i saw you walk through the door,
wearing that blue hoodie like you always did,
and my stomach churned and i felt nauseous.

i rushed to the bathroom and
threw everything i'd drank up.
seeing you was too much for me.
especially after the letters.

and i'm sorry for bringing the letters
up so much, but they're important to me.
they're important to why i hate you.

i decided to go home after that.
i couldn't stand seeing your face,
knowing that you felt how you did.

my friends called me an uber, and
i went outside to wait for it.

on my way out though, you spotted me.
i suddenly regretted ever going out tonight
when you began to follow me out.

i didn't want to talk to you, but you
said you weren't leaving until you had
the chance to explain yourself.

if you wanted to explain yourself,
then you'd be waiting there for a long time.

i couldn't be bothered with arguing with you.
our days of arguing and screaming had
ended, and it was not something i wanted to
start up again.

so, i simply pretended you weren't
in front of me, begging to talk to me.
telling me you wanted to say sorry.
like a sorry would fix everything you'd done.
everything that we'd done.

it seemed to take forever
for the car to get to me.
but that's just how it is
when i'm with you.
time slows down.

but i didn't want to spend another second
with you, so i got in the car and left, without
saying a single word to you.

truth is, i would've spoken to you.
i would've, if i wasn't the way i am.

because i know that if i had heard you out-
if i had listened to whatever apology you had,
i would've forgiven you.

that's just the type of person i am.
it's too easy for me to forgive people.
i think that's why i always forgave you
when you did something wrong.

fortunately for you, this isn't
a reason that i hate you.

this is a reason i hate myself.

because i almost forgave you that night.