All Things Blue

19. All Things Change

I got over Blue cheating on me fairly quickly. Or at least that was the lie I repeated to myself. I swore I was 'over it' and 'I didn't care' but this fragile heart of mine– more tender and bruised than most kept me honest. I knew deep down it was a lie. But even she understood the dire consequences if I admitted the truth. There loomed a future of imminent self destruction, my sure demise and above all things, I would be left alone — again .

Even she wouldn't have that. So instead, I forgot.

I completely pushed the thought out of my mind. I made the executive decision to completely stop thinking about it. I never whispered it to a soul and cursed the memory. I was a master of selective amnesia and consigning to oblivion old memories and sacred promises, but Blue's betrayal was exceptionally difficult to dismiss and no matter how hard I tried, I would still cry in the shower and walk the bleak school halls in a heartbroken haze.

Forgetting wasn't enough.

Instead of a master, I fancied myself a fool —lying until believing I was happy until I could completely remove Blue from my line of sight.

Meaning I needed to go back home to Santana and try to paint my life yellow again.

Only I was in a real paradox. Going home to Santana seemed unrealistic. I hadn't talked to her after finding out her secret and I didn't want to watch Blue from her house. I began to resent never having a home to return to and I watched helplessly as my life turned smoky and gray. At the time though I was completely unaware and everyday I proved to myself I was still capable of numbing my heart again.

First, I completely stopped going to school, deeming it pointless. And since there were only a few more weeks left, most of the school was busy with a senior trip, prom or other stupid shit like that. The only two places I could imagine spending my time was either at the dance studio or Mike's.

And since I could only attend the studio for specific times, I was usually at Mike's. I was still a minor and a student and I wasn't legally able to come to the studio on the weekdays during school hours but Mike's doors were always open especially during school.

It was there Blue and I spent most of our time together. I would wait for Blue under the guise of 'hanging out' with little fear of seeming too desperate and still distracting my bleeding heart.

Blue didn't have to go to school and my grades were so good, I didn't have to either. Mike on the other hand didn't make good grades nor did he have a valid excuse. He just didn't go. It wasn't even like we were doing something better than school. In fact, we never did anything but smoke or watch some kind of entertainment. If everyone was feeling talkative we debated and conversed and it started to feel like we were some kind of family of fatherless children.

I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten till one day we did go to school.

My days began extremely early since I'd try to sneak into the studio behind Ms. Rita's before her early morning 7AM class. The smoke of desperation blinded me until I was a senseless vagabond following up mindlessly behind Blue's nomadic ways. Blue and I would usually fall asleep on Mike's couch or we would drive back to his house and fall asleep in each other's arms.

I was at the studio usually until late at night attempting to perfect my audition piece. I desperately needed to feel like I had options since my love for Blue felt more like imprisonment in which I had no choice or agency in the matter. It was in those times I began to spend a lot of time with Ms. Rita.

She was a slender woman, with sharp pointed collar bones that made her look like a fairy. She had a sharp nose and her hair hung in tight shoulder length curls usually pulled to the back of her head. Whenever she was dancing seriously, she would pull it into a tight topknot at the top of her head and dance so beautifully, it hurt to watch.