All Things Blue

23. All Things Fall Apart

When I was a little girl I was terribly afraid of the dark. My room at the time's centerpiece was this massive princess sized canopy bed and it faced an onlooking balcony. It was a different house than the one I lived in now and it felt older to me. My curtains were pink satin and they billowed at night anytime it was windy or stormed.

One night, after Gloria went home, I snuck and watched Friday the 13th on cable and I was terrified. I kept thinking Freddy was hiding under the bed with his terrifying knives and was going to jump out from under my bed and say I got your nose! In order to protect myself, I didn't cry or run to my parents room. Instead I decided to lay there in paralyzing fear and refuse to check under the bed.

I told myself the more I was still, the more Freddy would think I was already dead and leave.

Gloria eventually realized I wasn't getting any sleep and let me sleep with a bright nightlight that projected stars everywhere until I wasn't scared anymore.

What I saw in the backpack had that effect. I knew everything had changed but it was such a shock to me it couldn't hit me all at once. Instead it needed to fester, so it crept in the back of my mind and chose to dwell under the beds of my mind.

I made no action on it and thought of it no more. It remained a monster under my bed. It wasn't that I pushed it to the back of my mind, it pushed itself back there and threatened me to gently pull back my covers, grip the frame of my bed and check under the bed for monsters.

And also for a time, everything was perfect.

It was like once I told Blue I was staying in Seattle, he stopped trying to fight against us being together, so everything was good. His moods were much more steady, he didn't try to fight the need to be around me nearly as much and never hesitated to spend his every waking moment with me.

I practically lived at Blue's, spending anytime I had away at the dance studio. I found so much comfort in dancing and so much peace being at the studio despite my turbulent few months.

In a true Claire like fashion though, things soon came crashing down. It started with a phone call from Jameson. I wasn't surprised when I saw the call, I had visited her in the hospital a few times and it was then I had mentioned to her that I'd probably be going to a ballet school near here. She didn't say anything, just raised her eyebrow.

When she called me she came right to and said it.

" Claire, you can't be serious about giving up everything for a boy," she said. I didn't try to deny that it was for Blue. In fact, I think I was proud to some degree. I liked that someone thought that about me. I was proud to be so crazy in love I'd give everything up for someone. There was a time my wealth was such a fact ingrained into my identity, I didn't know who I was without it. I wanted Blue to be that to me.

" What's so wrong about that?" I said. I was packing a bag from Santana's house and washing my ballet clothes.

" Well, you're Claire, you can't just not give everything up for anyone, even Blue. I mean I get it he's perfect, and crazy handsome and it's clear he loves you and you love him. But you're Claire you can't just not," her voice wavered as she searched for the words to say.

" What? Be some rich ballerina who everyone secretly calls Miss Independent Stone Cold Bitch?" I said. Jameson went silent. I sighed.

" Look, I'm tired of it all. I want to leave this all behind me. One day I want to be married and have a little family. I want- " I said.

"Claire you're never wanted to be married, what are you talking about? And now you want to leave everything... for what love?"

" Yes, Jameson love, love," I set down the bag I was holding and held the phone all the way up to my ear. "Jameson you know what," I pursed my lips. " You know how in like 10th grade you told me it was disgusting that I used to sit on the toilet and I didn't squat when I used the restroom. I asked why and you laughed and said I was too rich for my own good," I said.