All Things Blue

1. All Things Meet

                                                             

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                                                                                 Part 1

The first time I ever prayed to God, I prayed for the one thing I never, ever, ever wanted. Love is a foolish thing to ask for, considering the very nature of it exists as a flesh rippingly young and naive need.

But just like how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, humans accept our innate urge for a partner and we attempt to rationalize it with contract binding marriages and slanderous punishments for adulterous women. But at the root we all all wish for the maddening effects of love to be diluted and incorrigibly we ask demurely terrified to dive head first– simultaneously denying its very nature and power.

Can I just be honest? If no one will admit it, I will, no one really wants love? Foolish, gullible, preteen girls get hoodwinked through teeny boppy magazines and romance novels written by other women but the mature and sane do not. We accept we're afraid to feel that harsh heartbreak and we're terrified to become young fools with actual real hope for such a faulty and false pretense like love.

Now, I am not a religious woman in any sense of the word but I am sure I met God long before I ever worshiped his existence or dreamed of entering his pearly gates. I managed to meet God at my best– more likely than not due to his inequity to sin. More specifically, basically, I was 180 days clean and in the back of a classroom enduring an in school suspension.

Before I am excommunicated from the church, I am aware 180 days isn't exactly a long time to be anything in the grand scheme of life. But coming from someone who at one point in her life couldn't go a few hours without having some type of release, for me– this was a pretty impressive accomplishment. It meant I was back a functioning member of society and most importantly I was your typical high school kid.

My high school was boring and a cliche. It was moderately big and had just enough people to blend in without being noticed while still making a couple friends easily. It was perfect for me, because my main goal in life was to blend into the crowd.

It took me a week to notice the average means of beauty and fashion and I dressed accordingly soon thereafter. I never wore clothes that would bring too much attention to myself and I never straightened my hair unless it was the weekends. I found the basis of beauty here by studying the school's mean girls. Lauren was the first girl I met at this school and she wasted no time dishing out to me all the petty gossip she knew.

Lilly McCain was by far the most popular girl at school. She was pretty, slender and tall and she was famous on all of her social media. She had jet black hair that stopped just before her waist in wavy, voluminous curls. Lily's signature though were her bangs.

The rumors surrounding her were endless. Lauren once told me she made a girl give her a manicure and pedicure every day for lunch. The day I came to this school, I heard a guy came in his pants after she hit him at dodgeball. Apparently when she walked over to retrieve it he said she stood directly over him and he saw straight up her gym shorts.