All Things Blue

10. All Things Disappear

"Did you always know you were handsome?" I asked him, and he rolled his eyes in response.

" What kind of a question is that?" he asked rhetorically.

"You know that's why women fawn over you right? I mean you're so handsome you almost look androgenous," I said. Blue was blushing bashfully as his cheeks tinged pink. "That's ridiculous. I'm just confident. Women like that," Blue said, shaking his head.

"No, women like this," I said, caressing his cheek. My car was completely boxed with smoke. Whenever Blue smoked, he usually kept rolling until he ran out of weed but now it was when I begged him to stop. My eyes could barely open and they watered from the smoke permeating every inch of my truck.

Blue smiled diffidently, breaking eye contact with me. "That's really not true, I promise. I'm no Bjorn. If I was put in a room with other men who were really handsome, I'm sure I wouldn't rank nearly as high. I'm no Adonis or anything," he said. Whenever Blue was high, he was much calmer, his manner softer and his mood leveled out so his natural sense of humor emerged.

"You can be in a room with the whole world and you'd be the most handsome man there. That's a scientific fact," I said, reaching my hand slightly under his chin. Blue looked up at me.

"Anybody can be attractive, if they carry themselves that way, you understand that," he said. He was right.

" So when did you know?" I repeated.

" When did I think so therefore I am?" he asked, putting the phrase in quotations and grinning. I nodded my head as Blue tilted his head in deep thought. "When I realized I wasn't confined to one gender deeming me attractive," he said. "Was it a beautiful feeling for you?" I asked and he scoffed.

" I wish I'd never come to such a childish conclusion," Blue said.

" Why?" I was genuinely surprised. Once I realized I was what this world deemed as attractive it was one of the most liberating feelings of my life. In a world where looks were always going to be the most coveted currency, I felt blessed.

" My life would be alot easier. I've never particularly enjoyed being used as a sexual object," he sighed. I understood slightly but I always thought most of that was self imposed. Blue noticed that I didn't agree from the look on my face and elaborated.

" I did what I was told for so long and then later somebody told me what I was doing was disgusting but if you get told you're doing something disgusting enough times you realize that you as a person are inherently disgusting for wanting to do it," He explained. I was beginning to understand to some degree.

"So it's like eating an apple and after you eat it people say 'ewww your face is so sticky and gross' and you realize you're disgusting for wanting the apple at all," I confirmed. Blue grabbed my hand, resting it on his cheek, held it before pulling it away from his face.

" You begin to despise the apples, having to eat and you regret yourself having ever grown up at all," Blue said grimly. I laughed. " Alright Holden Caulfield," I joked. Blue winced, opening his mouth only to close it. " You take that back right now," he said, highly offended.

" It's true though! You want to be some annoying cynic instead of finishing your apple and going to wash your hands and face off. So what? You ate the apple, it was good," I said. Blue stared at me silently before uncranking the car, pulling my key out the ignition and turning towards the door.

" I gotta get out of this car because I almost said something," Blue said but I could hear the laugh in his voice. Blue did just that, opening the car door and stepping out of the car. The second he opened the door, smoke billowed in the air. I'm sure the entire neighborhood could smell it.